Mind the Gap!
You see and hear that slogan just about everywhere around Londontown. You can actually get coffee mugs and T-shirts that say "Mind the Gap." It's literally burned into your consciousness. I wouldn't be surprised if there's a ballad, or even a song. Maybe some sort of polka with a whole line of those Irish fox trotting dudes.
I don't know about your mind, but my mind could take me all sorts of places if I didn't already know what "Mind the Gap" means. If you know what I mean.
So, just what does "Mind the Gap" mean?
The "gap" is the space that exists between the subway "tube" station platform and the subway car. The space between the two can range anywhere between four and eight inches, and I would imagine it would be cause for great concern should an appendage get caught inside. Those trains don't dawdle, hence the constant reminders. There are signs inside the cars and every other station announcement also mentions to, mind the gap.
I was first taught foreign subway travel by an old, well traveled friend of mine. It's pretty simple really. Upon touch down in your foreign city get an above ground map as well as a map of the subway system. And then you start matching underground stations with above ground destinations.
Although it can be an initial route finding challenge, it's the most efficient and economical way to get around. Especially in London, which is packed with locals and tourists EVERYWHERE.
Some might say it's better to travel by bus because you're above ground and can sight see along the way. And that's fine, if you like sight seeing about a block an hour. Cause that's about how long it can take to go from here to there above ground in London. The downtown area is very congested, there's actually an extra charge if you drive within certain parts of the city during peak weekday times.
You'd spend a fortune taking a cab from here to there. Cause the same thing. You can burn up ten pounds and thirty nine hundred heartbeats just traveling one block.
So we purchased a fully loaded Oyster Card along with our London Pass. Oyster card? How are those slimy creatures going to help with commuting around London?
The Oyster Card is actually an electronic credit card that comes pre-loaded with a credit/value which for us, matched our London Pass duration. All we had to do was tap in and out of the ticket barriers to validate our journeys. Thanks to Transport for London's daily credit cap, you only spend up to a certain amount each day on travel, around 6.6 pounds if you stay within Zones 1 and 2, which is where 95% of what you wanna see is.
Each of our cards had fifty pounds worth of travel on it, or just about nine days. Our cards did run out the day before our last day, when that happens the turnstile to exit doesn't swing open. Then sirens start wailing, lights start flashing and everybody in the station turns and looks at you like you're some kind of terrorist.
Kidding. There's always a really nice and courteous transport person available at the exits to help stupid tourists like us. We all ambled over to the ticket machine, swiped the card, saw what we had, figured what we'd need for the following day and added some cash. It was really easy. And then after our last tube trip I depleted cards of their last remaining schillings. More or less. That was really easy too.
It never fails, the first trip or two can get you turned around and you end up on the wrong platform going the wrong way. Which happened on our maiden voyage. No big deal. Get off at the next stop, which is usually the second from your original point of departure. Cause it takes one stop to confirm you're an idiot and went the wrong way. Still, unless it's really crowded, it's only about a ten minute whoopsie to get back on track.
After traveling the tube for a week, we were pros. We were even able to help a couple confused tourists with the correct directions. One family quartet from Germany made the exact same mistake we did on our first day, thinking they were heading downtown but actually going towards Kew Gardens.
Commute time can be a pretty packed ride. We were off to somewhere around 5:30 one evening and the car was packed. I mean jam packed sardine style shoulder to shoulder please don't fart packed. There's crowded, but this was beyond crowded. We'd amble up to a stop and there'd be more folks that would want to get on. But there was no room. Good thing nobody had Ebola.
We made it a point after that to be anywhere not needing a ride from around five to seven every subsequent night. We could do that. We were tourists.
Route finding becomes a primary activity when on a cultural vacation in Europe. Besides trying to figure out the most efficient way to get to an attraction, once there you need a map of the attraction to figure out where everything is. A couple of the museums were more difficult figuring out than London was. I've been route finding for search and rescue in avalanche territory in the high Sierras, that was easier than finding Picasso in the National Gallery.
Same thing with Hyde Park and Kensington Gardens, which are massive. Fortunately they had map signage in strategic locations with "you are here" in bright and prominent letters. That really helped, especially when on a restroom hunt.
By the way, unless the tube station is hooking up with a train station, making it a really large combined station with shops and eateries and such, the odds of finding a restroom is essentially nil. So don't be thinking you're gonna take a pee at a tube station unless you plan on getting seriously embarrassed or maybe arrested.
Cause there's CCT cameras everywhere. I mean everywhere. Inside and out. Every street corner, every museum. Every subway car. Everywhere. I'm not sure who was watching, but we were constantly on display.
So, I told myself, don't do anything stupid to embarrass yourself. Pay attention what, when, and where you scratch. Don't pick your nose. Keep your pants on.
You know, basics.
Even though the tube stations lacked restrooms, I think every one had a news stand close by. One night upon our return to our home base, Earl's Court, I noticed a picture of the back side of Kim Kardashian as I walked by. I've never really paid much attention to her or whatever it is she purports to be doing, so I really had no idea.
Anyway, she was on the cover of one of the British tabloids and was wearing a thong. Or some sort of minuscule fabric. Essentially her bare ass was on the cover, or took up the cover. It was an astonishingly large item to behold.
And then I thought-cause I do that sometimes-if each one of her ass cheeks was a loaf of bread she could feed an entire African nation. With each one. So that's two African nations fed for the price of one Kardashian. I can't think of one flaw with that idea.
While the entire tube system is an amazing engineering feat, some of the stations are even more so. Some of the stations only serviced one line, some of them would service from two to five. And since each line had to run at varying depths underneath the surface, this meant a lot of escalators and a lot of tunnels. Signs. Arrows. Underneath a lot of very busy streets. Who dreams these things up?
There's also an important rule for escalator riding. Many of the folks riding the tube aren't on vacation and can be in a hurry. If just riding on the escalator you are requested to stand on the right. Then the folks in a hurry can rumble by on the left. And rumble by they do.
We took a train out of London twice on day trips. Once to Windsor Castle and once to Cambridge. Our route to Cambridge took us through Kings Cross Station, which may be familiar to Harry Potter fans.
We only took a cab once. From the train station in Cambridge to the center of town, about a two mile journey. We wanted to save our feet for the rest of the day. We kept talking about taking one of those old style funky looking British cabs but never did. I guess the call of the Gap was too wild.
We have now ridden the subway in Madrid, Paris and London at all hours of the day and night. We have never encountered any type of hostile or threatening situation.
There was a drunk on the train back from Cambridge who was rather loud and had very bad taste in music. But a tube employee told him to can it, to which he started complaining even louder about not having any rights and what is the world coming to. Fortunately he got off at the next stop. Which is probably a good thing. For him. Besides myself, there was the tube employee and another large male human specimen who was getting a bit irked. Everyone was bigger than the douchebag, including me.
While we're on the subject of travel etiquette, most folks riding the tube in London are pretty darn polite. There's not a lot of eye contact, but if all the seats are taken many men will still get up and offer their seat to a lady. Conversations between people are generally quiet, unless you're drunk with bad taste in music.
Our last day in the trenches was also our tube final examination. Even though we had been passing each day's route finding challenges with flying colors, the last day was epic. We had to take two different lines to get to our first destination, two more to our second. Then it was three lines to get back to Earls Court from there. We changed lines and danced through the stations like pros. And even though Heathrow could be easily obtained by one of the two lines that ran through our Earls Court Station, we opted for a vehicle transfer from a purveyor right down the street. They were even about ten bucks less than I hate taxis.com.
Now that we've discussed several methods of travel when in a foreign country, I would be remiss if I did not mention the absolute most important means of conveyance. Your feet. You're on them a lot. Therefore it is of the absolute utmost importance you have really good walking shoes. Really good. I have a pair of Merrill's and another really good pair of something or other. My lovely wife also has a couple pair which of course will match her apparel on any given day. Even with excellent shoes our feet were barking after each five to eight mile day.
By the way, white tennis shoes identify you as an old white American guy. As do any socks with sandals. Or knee high anything with shorts. I mean, what's the point?
And while we're on the subject of getting around in a foreign country, we have kind of adopted our own Euro travel style. I don't bring my regular wallet with all the assorted and sundry things inside. You know, leave the Safeway Club card and AAA card at home. I bring my passport, and my driver's license -if we're planning on driving. If not, and if we aren't driving to the airport, I leave that at home too.
We'll bring a grand in cash, but even though there had been a stronger dollar of late most all the currency exchange places rape you. We generally use a credit card for most purchases.
Currency and credit card travel in my front pockets. Nothing in my back pockets. I also carry a light day pack, or ruck sack if in Europe. There's a small first aid kit in there as well as a few other light weight good to have in an emergency dittys. If there's a potential of rain, the compact umbrella goes in. A bottle of water. But mostly there's a lot of room for souvenirs.
We're generally launching for the day around nine to ten in the morning. We will return to the room anywhere from four to seven or eight in the evening. It's a long day, usually, and like the cub scout of yore I like to be relatively prepared.
Plus, a wildly swinging ruck sack with a couple "Mind the Gap" coffee mugs, three jars of marmalade and a large jar of pickled pigs feet can hold off a machete wielding fuck wad much better than bare hands. It would even take care of a drunk with bad taste in music.
My lovely wife usually leaves her purse and wallet in the room. She then carries a small over the shoulder cross body bag that she keeps her pertinence in. Each one of us always carries cash and a credit card just in case we are ever separated.
Our travel guru Rick has pointed out many times that pickpockets are alive and well at many of the crowded tourist locations. Some of the locations spots even have signs posted, like Westminster Abbey. Even. Yeah, be careful while marveling this centuries old incredible church. Pickpockets are at work!
Fortunately, we have never encountered a pick pocket issue, even in jam packed sardine style subway riding, thanks to taking some small precautions. We also try to travel non-descriptively, not broadcasting our nationality and trying to blend on in with the local folks. But as you'll read in the next post, it doesn't always work that way.
An off the wall blog about chickens, homesteading, travel, home improvement and small town living.
Friday, June 9, 2017
Friday, June 2, 2017
Coming Into Los Angeles
I haven't heard this song by Arlo Guthrie in decades, but the melody was stuck in my cranium ever since take off got close: Coming Into Los Angeles.
I couldn't figure it out, because, you know, Los Angeles. And then I finally listened to it and, duh, he mentions London in the first line. But that doesn't make any sense.
"Coming in from London from over the pond
Flyin' in a big airliner
Chickens flyin' everywhere around the plane
Could we ever feel much finer?
He's smuggling a couple of keys into Los Angeles, from London? Shouldn't that have been the other way around? I mean, we used to get most of our drugs here in California from Mexico. And Los Angeles is a heck of a lot closer to Mexico than it is to London. I don't think the UK was ever an export mecca for illicit drugs, was it? Maybe I was too stoned to notice. Bloody hell.
So my lovely wife and I just went to London. We had a smashing good time. Saw more gems, jewels, historical artifacts, paintings, plants, swords and chips than one could hardly surmise. Met my FB namesake as well, in the quaint college hamlet of Cambridge. Birthplace of DNA and all sorts of other great discoveries.
There's a lot to see and do in London. We were asked by a number of folks if that was the only place we were going to. And we said, "Um, yeah."
We were on the ground for ten full days, tried our very best but didn't see it all. We couldn't possibly have done it all. As I meander back through our Rick Steves London 2017 I reckon we could spend another week in the trenches and still not see it all. It's a big city with a lot of history. There's a lot to see and do there.
We hit the historical highlights, all the three star and most of the two star highlights as rated by Rick, our European travel guru. We have found Rick has a great, down to earth approach to travel and have relied on his expertise now for three separate European vacations. We met a couple other Rick Steve's disciples on our way to see the crown jewels, which, by the way, were opulently majestic.
The jewels are located in a building at the Tower of London, which is an historic castle, palace and prison. It's also a UNESCO World Heritage Site, which is kind of a big deal. To be included on the World Heritage List, sites must be of outstanding universal value and meet at least one out of ten selection criteria. I'm not going to list them here cause that would take, like, forever. If interested just click on the link.
Rick said as soon as you get there, and he's assuming you're not arriving mid afternoon but rather pretty darn close to opening time in the morning, make a beeline to the jewels. The building they're in can get packed quick and the line to get in can be long.
We first witnessed this phenomena at the Louvre in Paris. Rick said as soon as you get there make a beeline to the Mona Lisa, cause the same thing. So we did, and sure enough, within a couple hours we noticed it was taking a couple hours just to get into the packed room.
So as soon as we got to the Tower grounds we started route finding and heading towards the jewels. As were a couple of other women. We zigged, they zigged. We zagged, they zagged. They were also chatting in English about the jewels in a short of breath fashion.
About half way through our short of breath zig-zagging I asked if they were Rick Steves disciples. They laughed and said yes. We shared some Louvre stories as we hustled along. We all got in the building quite readily and within a couple hours guess what? The line to get in was out the door.
We saw about thirty billion dollars worth of jewels that day. Billion. Jared and Kay's don't have nearly that much in all their stores on any given day. I'm not sure every jewelry store in California can pony up that many carats.
Carats in crowns, carats in swords, carats in scepters and carats in orbs. Diamonds, rubies, sapphires, emeralds, pearls. Big ones too. There were a couple famous diamonds as well. Like the 106 carat Koh-I-Noor. And the 530 carat Star of Africa, the largest diamond in the world. You could just about bowl with that one.
We also stood on the location where Henry VIII beheaded two of his wives for having affairs on him. From what I gather I can't really blame the women, especially the second one. She was a good twenty years younger than the portly and disease ridden monarch, so, ewwwwwwww. But he was King. So off with her head.
The Beefeater guide at the Tower that conveyed this story to a wandering throng of tourists was very knowledgeable and quite witty. If ever there and taking a look see, I highly recommend their ninety minute tour. It's free and you'll have a good laugh.
Speaking of Henry VIII, his particular roundish suit of armor also contained a rather largish metal cod piece jutting out from that particular part of the anatomy where maybe a basketball player or a giant might have need for one. It was that massively large. Which Henry surely wasn't we were told. I guess that sort of thing filled the bill back then like a Corvette does today.
After the Tower we shared some fish and chips at a nearby café and then strolled across the Thames on the Tower Bridge to the South Bank. Past Shakespeare's Globe Theater and then into the quite colorful outdoor epicurean Borough Market.
As a matter of fact, we had accidentally stumbled into Britain's most renowned food market, which has existed in one form or another at that location for over one thousand years. Who knew? Items from all seventeen food groups were represented there in an artful Dickenesque fashion. Fish, fruit, flowers. Pheasant. Traditional and Rare Breed Meats and Charcuterie. Even if you couldn't pronounce it, it was edible. Even if you never thought certain things could actually be food, they were. It was all there. Whatever it was.
Close by was a full size replica of Sir Francis Drake's ship "The Golden Hinde", on which he sailed around the world, raping and pillaging for God and Queen. The first thing that struck us was that it was a pretty small ship. And on it were a bunch of sweaty, smelly, unbathed men, circling the globe on a three year voyage.
He actually set out with five ships and one hundred sixty-four men. The Golden Hinde was the only ship to make it home. With fifty-six men. But they made it home with a fabulous hoard of gold, silver, emeralds, diamonds, pearls, silk and spices.
Three years ago we took a hike that ran above Drakes Bay in Point Reyes National Park in Northern California. That's a long ways from the Thames. We were very impressed that little ship went all that way. There's a lot of water and big waves between here and there.
We made another left or right and soon stumbled across the Southwark Cathedral, another simply marvelous piece of architecture. Not as large or as imposing as Westminster or St Paul's, it nevertheless commands your respect for artistic beauty and amazing architecture. Especially considering the times it was built.
We strolled, explored, marveled, and discovered. Just soaking up the wonderful, bustling atmosphere in a foreign land, with the chattering of foreign languages echoing everywhere.
And that's pretty much a typical day when we're on location in a thriving, foreign, cultural metropolis. Hit a museum, art gallery or some other historic site, spend the morning, then have lunch and wander. Many of the absolute best discoveries happen just by wandering and getting lost.
Have I ever mentioned the stoned out Willie Nelson polaroid a good friend and I espied on a coffee shop billboard somewhere in Amsterdam? I say somewhere because we were hopelessly lost. And probably just a little bit stoned. I don't think I could ever find my way back. I don't think Willie could either. But I do know this, we were there, and so was Willie, apparently, once.
And the almost naked really fit old man doing his aerial acrobatics above a courtyard full of afternoon diners in Amsterdam. Had we not been lost and wandering we would have totally missed that "holy shit can you believe this?" R-rated Cirque de Soleil style solo show.
That afternoon in London we weren't actually lost, we had set out with a street map and a tube map that morning. And since we had logged in a good six to seven miles we were ready to put our feet up. We found the nearest station and caught the tube back to our boutique hotel, The Mayflower.
We really lucked out with this booking, it turned out to be much better than anticipated. It didn't hurt that we were upgraded to an apartment unit with kitchen when we got there. Even though we didn't cook, having a fridge and microwave available was very convenient.
They also had Wi-Fi available in the room. That was also very convenient because I didn't have to go to the lobby at four AM to update my fantasy baseball team. Even more so because I didn't have to put my pants on either.
My lovely wife also purchased a universal electronic plug adapter kit prior to departure. It included USB ports as well as plugs and handled all our electronic and charging needs.
I booked the trip through Hotwire, one of my two go to travel sites. Priceline is the other. I booked it last fall after another excursion to Cabo with some friends fell through due to schedule conflicts. Hell, with Brexit dropping the value of the pound it made absolute financial sense to go to London.
My initial requirements were excellent flight times and four star minimum accommodations in a good location. I even purchased travel insurance and upgraded the room before it was upgraded again. It was still a grand cheaper than Cabo, and Cabo is like, next door to us here in California.
I booked the trip, then forgot about until late March, about forty days before we took off. Then I started my research with Rick and his London guide. I drafted an excel spread sheet and started filling in two and three star sights pertaining to their location within the city. I also allowed for a couple short train trips outside the city just so we could rest our feet for a few minutes.
I know it sounds completely OCD, which I totally am, to draft a vacation excel spreadsheet. Don't get me wrong, I don't do it when we're on a tropical getaway. But when you're going to a foreign city with tons of sights, it's easy to get overwhelmed. Drafting the spread sheet gives me an idea of the possibilities while also allowing for down time. The schedule usually gets kicked the first day, but so what. We're on vacation. Here's an excerpt:
As I said, it usually gets shot to hell on the first day. I think we did the V&A Museum on Sunday the 7th, as well as Kensington Palace since we missed that on the 3rd. (We omitted the items in red.) And the items on the 9th were lateraled to the 11th cause we went to Kew Gardens on the 9th. I think the 8th went as planned, as well as the 5th, 6th and 10th. So four out of nine days hit the mark. Don't ask about the color or L codes, I'm not giving up all my OCD secrets.
The missing Friday the 5th was the Tower of London day described above, with the Medieval Banquet for dinner. Saturday the 6th was Cambridge. Friday the 12th was our flight home. In case you really, really wanted to know.
We also missed out on the Jack the Ripper walk, or Shocking London walk scheduled the night of the 4th. Unfortunately the guide had to cancel due to an accident he encountered on the way. And unfortunately we could not reschedule during this trip.
Based on what we had in mind as far as sight seeing, I also purchased this little item called The London Pass, which I highly recommend. More on that in an upcoming post.
I also booked a transfer from Heathrow to our hotel through I hate taxis.com. I stumbled on this site a couple foreign trips ago. It's a vacation preplan must! The site has info on every airport on the planet and it also offers transfers from the airports to wherever. A driver meets you at the airport with a sign with your name on it. He then helps put your bulky suitcases in the car.
This beats the ever loving living hell out of arriving in a foreign city for the first time and trying to finagle a cab. Cause you never know when they might be toying with the meter. And then when you try to call him on it all he speaks is Kazakhastanian. Which really confuses the hell out of you because you're in Guatemala and expecting to hear some form of Japanese.
The transfer also beats the ever loving living hell out of trying to figure out the train or tube system immediately after you land. Cause once you finally figure out the correct train you've already missed two because you originally thought you were on the wrong platform and moved to another and then finally figure out you were on the right platform to begin with. Just as the second train was leaving.
And once you get to the local train station, then you have to figure what bus or subway is going to get you closest to your hotel or apartment. Oh yeah, and lest I forget, all this while you are lugging around your overstuffed big ass suitcase because you're old and think you need a lot of clothes. So this big ass suitcase is in and out and up and down and then there's stairs and escalators and once you finally get close you've got to roll that fucker down the crowded sidewalk for a few to twenty blocks until you're really finally really there.
A booked transfer, with a knowledgeable and trustworthy driver, is so much easier.
Our hotel, The Mayflower, sits on a lovely, quiet street in the upscale suburb of Kensington. But two blocks down we had a bustling six block commercial neighborhood with about twenty restaurants, three grocery stores, a couple pubs and many other assorted shops. It was also home to our tube stop, Earl's Court.
I couldn't figure it out, because, you know, Los Angeles. And then I finally listened to it and, duh, he mentions London in the first line. But that doesn't make any sense.
"Coming in from London from over the pond
Flyin' in a big airliner
Chickens flyin' everywhere around the plane
Could we ever feel much finer?
Comin' into Los Angeles
Bringin' in a couple of keys
Don't touch my bags if you please mister customs man"
Bringin' in a couple of keys
Don't touch my bags if you please mister customs man"
He's smuggling a couple of keys into Los Angeles, from London? Shouldn't that have been the other way around? I mean, we used to get most of our drugs here in California from Mexico. And Los Angeles is a heck of a lot closer to Mexico than it is to London. I don't think the UK was ever an export mecca for illicit drugs, was it? Maybe I was too stoned to notice. Bloody hell.
So my lovely wife and I just went to London. We had a smashing good time. Saw more gems, jewels, historical artifacts, paintings, plants, swords and chips than one could hardly surmise. Met my FB namesake as well, in the quaint college hamlet of Cambridge. Birthplace of DNA and all sorts of other great discoveries.
There's a lot to see and do in London. We were asked by a number of folks if that was the only place we were going to. And we said, "Um, yeah."
We were on the ground for ten full days, tried our very best but didn't see it all. We couldn't possibly have done it all. As I meander back through our Rick Steves London 2017 I reckon we could spend another week in the trenches and still not see it all. It's a big city with a lot of history. There's a lot to see and do there.
We hit the historical highlights, all the three star and most of the two star highlights as rated by Rick, our European travel guru. We have found Rick has a great, down to earth approach to travel and have relied on his expertise now for three separate European vacations. We met a couple other Rick Steve's disciples on our way to see the crown jewels, which, by the way, were opulently majestic.
The jewels are located in a building at the Tower of London, which is an historic castle, palace and prison. It's also a UNESCO World Heritage Site, which is kind of a big deal. To be included on the World Heritage List, sites must be of outstanding universal value and meet at least one out of ten selection criteria. I'm not going to list them here cause that would take, like, forever. If interested just click on the link.
Rick said as soon as you get there, and he's assuming you're not arriving mid afternoon but rather pretty darn close to opening time in the morning, make a beeline to the jewels. The building they're in can get packed quick and the line to get in can be long.
We first witnessed this phenomena at the Louvre in Paris. Rick said as soon as you get there make a beeline to the Mona Lisa, cause the same thing. So we did, and sure enough, within a couple hours we noticed it was taking a couple hours just to get into the packed room.
So as soon as we got to the Tower grounds we started route finding and heading towards the jewels. As were a couple of other women. We zigged, they zigged. We zagged, they zagged. They were also chatting in English about the jewels in a short of breath fashion.
About half way through our short of breath zig-zagging I asked if they were Rick Steves disciples. They laughed and said yes. We shared some Louvre stories as we hustled along. We all got in the building quite readily and within a couple hours guess what? The line to get in was out the door.
We saw about thirty billion dollars worth of jewels that day. Billion. Jared and Kay's don't have nearly that much in all their stores on any given day. I'm not sure every jewelry store in California can pony up that many carats.
Carats in crowns, carats in swords, carats in scepters and carats in orbs. Diamonds, rubies, sapphires, emeralds, pearls. Big ones too. There were a couple famous diamonds as well. Like the 106 carat Koh-I-Noor. And the 530 carat Star of Africa, the largest diamond in the world. You could just about bowl with that one.
We also stood on the location where Henry VIII beheaded two of his wives for having affairs on him. From what I gather I can't really blame the women, especially the second one. She was a good twenty years younger than the portly and disease ridden monarch, so, ewwwwwwww. But he was King. So off with her head.
The Beefeater guide at the Tower that conveyed this story to a wandering throng of tourists was very knowledgeable and quite witty. If ever there and taking a look see, I highly recommend their ninety minute tour. It's free and you'll have a good laugh.
Speaking of Henry VIII, his particular roundish suit of armor also contained a rather largish metal cod piece jutting out from that particular part of the anatomy where maybe a basketball player or a giant might have need for one. It was that massively large. Which Henry surely wasn't we were told. I guess that sort of thing filled the bill back then like a Corvette does today.
After the Tower we shared some fish and chips at a nearby café and then strolled across the Thames on the Tower Bridge to the South Bank. Past Shakespeare's Globe Theater and then into the quite colorful outdoor epicurean Borough Market.
As a matter of fact, we had accidentally stumbled into Britain's most renowned food market, which has existed in one form or another at that location for over one thousand years. Who knew? Items from all seventeen food groups were represented there in an artful Dickenesque fashion. Fish, fruit, flowers. Pheasant. Traditional and Rare Breed Meats and Charcuterie. Even if you couldn't pronounce it, it was edible. Even if you never thought certain things could actually be food, they were. It was all there. Whatever it was.
Close by was a full size replica of Sir Francis Drake's ship "The Golden Hinde", on which he sailed around the world, raping and pillaging for God and Queen. The first thing that struck us was that it was a pretty small ship. And on it were a bunch of sweaty, smelly, unbathed men, circling the globe on a three year voyage.
He actually set out with five ships and one hundred sixty-four men. The Golden Hinde was the only ship to make it home. With fifty-six men. But they made it home with a fabulous hoard of gold, silver, emeralds, diamonds, pearls, silk and spices.
Three years ago we took a hike that ran above Drakes Bay in Point Reyes National Park in Northern California. That's a long ways from the Thames. We were very impressed that little ship went all that way. There's a lot of water and big waves between here and there.
We made another left or right and soon stumbled across the Southwark Cathedral, another simply marvelous piece of architecture. Not as large or as imposing as Westminster or St Paul's, it nevertheless commands your respect for artistic beauty and amazing architecture. Especially considering the times it was built.
We strolled, explored, marveled, and discovered. Just soaking up the wonderful, bustling atmosphere in a foreign land, with the chattering of foreign languages echoing everywhere.
And that's pretty much a typical day when we're on location in a thriving, foreign, cultural metropolis. Hit a museum, art gallery or some other historic site, spend the morning, then have lunch and wander. Many of the absolute best discoveries happen just by wandering and getting lost.
Have I ever mentioned the stoned out Willie Nelson polaroid a good friend and I espied on a coffee shop billboard somewhere in Amsterdam? I say somewhere because we were hopelessly lost. And probably just a little bit stoned. I don't think I could ever find my way back. I don't think Willie could either. But I do know this, we were there, and so was Willie, apparently, once.
And the almost naked really fit old man doing his aerial acrobatics above a courtyard full of afternoon diners in Amsterdam. Had we not been lost and wandering we would have totally missed that "holy shit can you believe this?" R-rated Cirque de Soleil style solo show.
That afternoon in London we weren't actually lost, we had set out with a street map and a tube map that morning. And since we had logged in a good six to seven miles we were ready to put our feet up. We found the nearest station and caught the tube back to our boutique hotel, The Mayflower.
We really lucked out with this booking, it turned out to be much better than anticipated. It didn't hurt that we were upgraded to an apartment unit with kitchen when we got there. Even though we didn't cook, having a fridge and microwave available was very convenient.
They also had Wi-Fi available in the room. That was also very convenient because I didn't have to go to the lobby at four AM to update my fantasy baseball team. Even more so because I didn't have to put my pants on either.
My lovely wife also purchased a universal electronic plug adapter kit prior to departure. It included USB ports as well as plugs and handled all our electronic and charging needs.
I booked the trip through Hotwire, one of my two go to travel sites. Priceline is the other. I booked it last fall after another excursion to Cabo with some friends fell through due to schedule conflicts. Hell, with Brexit dropping the value of the pound it made absolute financial sense to go to London.
My initial requirements were excellent flight times and four star minimum accommodations in a good location. I even purchased travel insurance and upgraded the room before it was upgraded again. It was still a grand cheaper than Cabo, and Cabo is like, next door to us here in California.
I booked the trip, then forgot about until late March, about forty days before we took off. Then I started my research with Rick and his London guide. I drafted an excel spread sheet and started filling in two and three star sights pertaining to their location within the city. I also allowed for a couple short train trips outside the city just so we could rest our feet for a few minutes.
I know it sounds completely OCD, which I totally am, to draft a vacation excel spreadsheet. Don't get me wrong, I don't do it when we're on a tropical getaway. But when you're going to a foreign city with tons of sights, it's easy to get overwhelmed. Drafting the spread sheet gives me an idea of the possibilities while also allowing for down time. The schedule usually gets kicked the first day, but so what. We're on vacation. Here's an excerpt:
| Sun | Mon 5/1 | Tues 5/2 | Weds 5/3 | Thurs 5/4 | Fri 5/5 | Sat 5/6 |
| 1:15 Robert w/ NC Airporter | Arrive LHR 1:42 PM | Bus Tour (L50) | Westminster Abbey (L40) | Tower of London (L45) | Kings Cross Station to | |
| to pick up and take to | Tower Bridge (L18) | Cambridge | ||||
| Airport $95 530-575-7011 | Transfer via ihatetaxis.com | Hyde Park | Buckingham Palace/ | St Pauls Cathedral (L36) | ||
| $66.42 | Guards 11:30 AM | Tate Modern (FreeL4) | ||||
| Depart SMF 4:42 PM on | Harrods | Shakespeare Globe (L30) | Hitchins Dinner? | |||
| Delta 3652 | Check into Mayflower | Big Ben/Parliament | ||||
| Arrive SLC 7:24 PM | Book Banquet | Kensington Palace (L32) & | ||||
| Book Ripper Walk | Gardens | Churchill War Rooms (L35) | ||||
| Orient to Earls Ct Station | ||||||
| Depart SLC 8:15PM om | ||||||
| Delta 4020 | Exchange dollars @ | |||||
| Moneycorp | shockinglondon.com | Medieval Banquet (L80) | ||||
| 113 Gloucester Rd | (L16) Meet @ 7:00pm | |||||
| Sun 5/7 | Mon 5/8 | Tues 5/9 | Weds 5/10 | Thurs 5/11 | Fri 5/12 | Sat 5/13 |
| Depart LHR 12:55 PM on | ||||||
| Oxford, Stratford, | West End Walk- | British Library | Victoria & Albert | Delta 4041 | ||
| Cotswolds & Warwick | National Gallery (FreeL10) | Leeds Castle, | Museum (Free L10) | Arrive Minn @ 4:05 PM | ||
| Castle | Trafalgar Square | British Museum (Free L10) | Canterbury & Dover | |||
| Tour (L153) | Covent Garden | Tour-L157 | Depart MSP @ 6:01 PM on | |||
| Opera House | Sherlock Holmes Museum | Delta 5587 | ||||
| Picadilly Circus | Beatles Store | Windsor Castle? | Arrive SMF 8:08 PM | |||
| the-cotswolds.org | Soho | Abbey Road | ||||
| Courtlaud Gallery (L14) | JT to PU | |||||
| Dickens Museum (L18) | ||||||
As I said, it usually gets shot to hell on the first day. I think we did the V&A Museum on Sunday the 7th, as well as Kensington Palace since we missed that on the 3rd. (We omitted the items in red.) And the items on the 9th were lateraled to the 11th cause we went to Kew Gardens on the 9th. I think the 8th went as planned, as well as the 5th, 6th and 10th. So four out of nine days hit the mark. Don't ask about the color or L codes, I'm not giving up all my OCD secrets.
The missing Friday the 5th was the Tower of London day described above, with the Medieval Banquet for dinner. Saturday the 6th was Cambridge. Friday the 12th was our flight home. In case you really, really wanted to know.
We also missed out on the Jack the Ripper walk, or Shocking London walk scheduled the night of the 4th. Unfortunately the guide had to cancel due to an accident he encountered on the way. And unfortunately we could not reschedule during this trip.
Based on what we had in mind as far as sight seeing, I also purchased this little item called The London Pass, which I highly recommend. More on that in an upcoming post.
I also booked a transfer from Heathrow to our hotel through I hate taxis.com. I stumbled on this site a couple foreign trips ago. It's a vacation preplan must! The site has info on every airport on the planet and it also offers transfers from the airports to wherever. A driver meets you at the airport with a sign with your name on it. He then helps put your bulky suitcases in the car.
This beats the ever loving living hell out of arriving in a foreign city for the first time and trying to finagle a cab. Cause you never know when they might be toying with the meter. And then when you try to call him on it all he speaks is Kazakhastanian. Which really confuses the hell out of you because you're in Guatemala and expecting to hear some form of Japanese.
The transfer also beats the ever loving living hell out of trying to figure out the train or tube system immediately after you land. Cause once you finally figure out the correct train you've already missed two because you originally thought you were on the wrong platform and moved to another and then finally figure out you were on the right platform to begin with. Just as the second train was leaving.
And once you get to the local train station, then you have to figure what bus or subway is going to get you closest to your hotel or apartment. Oh yeah, and lest I forget, all this while you are lugging around your overstuffed big ass suitcase because you're old and think you need a lot of clothes. So this big ass suitcase is in and out and up and down and then there's stairs and escalators and once you finally get close you've got to roll that fucker down the crowded sidewalk for a few to twenty blocks until you're really finally really there.
A booked transfer, with a knowledgeable and trustworthy driver, is so much easier.
Our hotel, The Mayflower, sits on a lovely, quiet street in the upscale suburb of Kensington. But two blocks down we had a bustling six block commercial neighborhood with about twenty restaurants, three grocery stores, a couple pubs and many other assorted shops. It was also home to our tube stop, Earl's Court.
Monday, April 24, 2017
I'm Breaking Up with Little Debbie
Many of you who know me or have been following this blog have an idea (by now) of my affinity for sugar. As a matter of fact, my exploits into Sugarland are legendary. One venture into my version of Sugarland can turn an entire pro football team into raging diabetics. Moderation? Moderation?? What's that? Moderation has never been part of my vocabulary.
I don't eat sugar all day. I don't wake up and consume a box of Trix for breakfast, nor do I eat a basket of bear claws. I don't even have a doughnut for breakfast because I don't eat breakfast. I drink it, just like I used to. Only now it's usually about three cups of black coffee instead of a half dozen vodka and lemonades.
I don't have a Snickers Bar for lunch, nor do I have a milkshake cause I pretty much don't eat lunch either. Still not hungry. I mean, I may get enough of a hunger pang so that I devour an entire apple. Or an orange. Have a handful of trail mix. But that's about it.
I do eat a sensible, nutritious meal at dinner. And then I would venture into Sugarland, population me. There was NOTHING sensible or nutritious about my excursions into Sugarland. Every. Single. Night. I think I wrote in great detail about my sugar affliction with Doughnut Delirium.
To recap, instead of just, like, you know, having one doughnut for dessert, I would usually have an apple fritter, maple bar, then one or two old fashioned's. Maybe a bear claw. Then I'd top that off with a bowl of ice cream, cause, like, it's there. And it's ice cream.
Hell, I would have an entire philharmonic orchestra playing Souza marches through my veins, every single night. No wonder I wasn't hungry until late afternoon the following day. My system was still blazing from all the sugar shenanigans consumed the night before.
So I recently went to the Doc for my every other year annual check-up. Because one year in my life is like six months anymore.
One of the primary components of the check-up is to see what's going on in the blood stream. I mean, that's like 95% of the deal, right?
The results came back and everything's fine, except I have a bit of an elevated fasting blood sugar level. It was like 120, with the optimum range being 70-99. So it's up there, but just a little bit. It hasn't really changed in the last couple years either, but the Doc says he'd like to see that number go down.
And so, knowing what you do about my confection for Sugarland, and knowing the wanton sweet gluttony I have so brazenly confessed to all across the universe via this inter web thingy, I hope you are smiling when I say I then asked the Doc, "So, do you think me having four or five portions of dessert every single night might have anything to do with it?"
To which he responded, somewhat aghast and quite emphatically, "Uh, yeah."
So, the ball was placed squarely in my court. It's up to me. Diabetes or Little Debbie? You know Little Debbie. That smiling, sultry sweet purveyor of all sorts of sugary delights.
What's it gonna be? Make some dietary changes, feel better and stay off medications? Or the Highway to Hostess Twinkie Hell?
Well, if you know me or have read Late Night Letters to the Moon, you'll know I've already endured a couple little challenges on this walk upon the planet. Will it be possible for me to cut down on my sugar, maybe just have one dessert a night instead of five? Can I possibly survive such an ordeal?
It's been about three weeks now. Instead of two pieces of cake, a few cookies, a bowl of ice cream and some pudding I had one piece of cake. Instead of a half dozen cookies, some pie and a candy bar I had two cookies. And so on. It's actually been pretty easy.
I've also lost five pounds, bam! That's a good thing cause the slacks I slid into Easter Sunday were a bit tight around the waist. Hadn't been tucked into them for about a year.
Bloody hell.
Next stop: London
I don't eat sugar all day. I don't wake up and consume a box of Trix for breakfast, nor do I eat a basket of bear claws. I don't even have a doughnut for breakfast because I don't eat breakfast. I drink it, just like I used to. Only now it's usually about three cups of black coffee instead of a half dozen vodka and lemonades.
I don't have a Snickers Bar for lunch, nor do I have a milkshake cause I pretty much don't eat lunch either. Still not hungry. I mean, I may get enough of a hunger pang so that I devour an entire apple. Or an orange. Have a handful of trail mix. But that's about it.
I do eat a sensible, nutritious meal at dinner. And then I would venture into Sugarland, population me. There was NOTHING sensible or nutritious about my excursions into Sugarland. Every. Single. Night. I think I wrote in great detail about my sugar affliction with Doughnut Delirium.
To recap, instead of just, like, you know, having one doughnut for dessert, I would usually have an apple fritter, maple bar, then one or two old fashioned's. Maybe a bear claw. Then I'd top that off with a bowl of ice cream, cause, like, it's there. And it's ice cream.
Hell, I would have an entire philharmonic orchestra playing Souza marches through my veins, every single night. No wonder I wasn't hungry until late afternoon the following day. My system was still blazing from all the sugar shenanigans consumed the night before.
So I recently went to the Doc for my every other year annual check-up. Because one year in my life is like six months anymore.
One of the primary components of the check-up is to see what's going on in the blood stream. I mean, that's like 95% of the deal, right?
The results came back and everything's fine, except I have a bit of an elevated fasting blood sugar level. It was like 120, with the optimum range being 70-99. So it's up there, but just a little bit. It hasn't really changed in the last couple years either, but the Doc says he'd like to see that number go down.
And so, knowing what you do about my confection for Sugarland, and knowing the wanton sweet gluttony I have so brazenly confessed to all across the universe via this inter web thingy, I hope you are smiling when I say I then asked the Doc, "So, do you think me having four or five portions of dessert every single night might have anything to do with it?"
To which he responded, somewhat aghast and quite emphatically, "Uh, yeah."
So, the ball was placed squarely in my court. It's up to me. Diabetes or Little Debbie? You know Little Debbie. That smiling, sultry sweet purveyor of all sorts of sugary delights.
What's it gonna be? Make some dietary changes, feel better and stay off medications? Or the Highway to Hostess Twinkie Hell?
Well, if you know me or have read Late Night Letters to the Moon, you'll know I've already endured a couple little challenges on this walk upon the planet. Will it be possible for me to cut down on my sugar, maybe just have one dessert a night instead of five? Can I possibly survive such an ordeal?
It's been about three weeks now. Instead of two pieces of cake, a few cookies, a bowl of ice cream and some pudding I had one piece of cake. Instead of a half dozen cookies, some pie and a candy bar I had two cookies. And so on. It's actually been pretty easy.
I've also lost five pounds, bam! That's a good thing cause the slacks I slid into Easter Sunday were a bit tight around the waist. Hadn't been tucked into them for about a year.
Bloody hell.
Next stop: London
Friday, March 31, 2017
I'd Go Anywhere With You Honey. I think..
I accidentally swallowed a piece of gum the other day. Slithered down real easy. I haven't swallowed any gum since high school, or 45 some years ago. Peppermint burps ensued, but I figured they were a heck of a lot better than gas, or puke burps.
I was concerned it was going to add about two grams of weight to my torso for the next seven years, but it turns out that's just an old wives tale. You know, scare the bejezus out of the kids so they don't eat their gum. Kinda like the worms and raw sugar thing.
A miniscule amount of those two grams of masticatory substance do digest, like the sweetening agent, but the rest of the synthetic elastomers, or rubberlike materials, as well as plasticizing softeners, resins and preservative antioxidizing agents are going to remain intact. Hopefully slithering out as easily as they slithered on in. Fortunately I only swallowed one piece and not a truck load.
I definitely try to not get political on this blog, I think I only went rabid once. And that was to point out that it's hard to have a discussion with someone when the facts they are espousing aren't really facts at all. You know, alternative facts. It's imperative, especially NOW, that everyone gets their facts from reliable sources. And if you're not sure if it's a fact or propaganda, then check a few sources. Please. The future of our country depends on it.
And speaking of our country, you know things have gotten potently weird when Senator Lindsay Graham makes sense. And you see George W on TV and wistfully harken back to the good old days...
"I'd go anywhere with you Honey."
I made that comment one evening to my lovely wife, and I meant it. But then, later that same evening, I got to thinkin that there may be a few places I'd probably not want to go.
We've already established somewhere, sometime in a previous post that I'm only good for an hour of shopping. I don't care what it is. Clothes, food, hardware, furniture. One hour.
No, I take that back. I'm only good at furniture shipping for oh, say, about seven minutes. After that, I don't care. She can buy whatever she wants. I'd rather do crossword puzzles in the car. Maybe stare at some air for a while.
There's also a number of planetary locations I can pass on. Iraq and Iran come to mind. So does Syria. And Mozambique. The entire continent of Africa for that matter. Kansas. Los Angeles.
Other than the aforementioned, I'm probably good to go. She already bamboozled me into a Robert Mapplethorpe exhibit, I mean, how much more challenging and daring could it get?
I just FINALLY finished completing the plantation of the orchard. That little project only took six years. In addition to the white nectarine, yellow nectarine, peach, and plum that are now fruit bearing four year olds, we have added: two pears, two apples, a cherry, an apricot, a white peach and a pomegranate. One more cherry is still on tap.
One of the reasons it took so long is there's a whole bunch of stuff I do when they go in. First there's the hole, then the positioning of the bare root tree, then the entire hole gets filled with real good top soil, then several layers of wood chips go on, then I introduce a few worms to each tree basin, then a couple T-posts go in and then each little darling gets wrapped with five foot high wire so that them damn flea infested mule deer don't rape and pillage. And of course, I will now have to dote on them during the hot, dry summer months.
I just made an investment in a new computer. The old one, I mean ten years really old, running the Windows Vista platform, finally crashed. For good. I've been nursing it along for a couple years now, and everyone, I mean everyone who touched the thing told me I needed to get a new one. Aw shucks, darn. I'm the fool on this here hill, what do I know about new?
My biggest concern about the crash was my ITunes song collection, close to a thousand hand picked songs. I routinely back up documents and photos, but ITunes is a bit of a different animal. Without going into a multi-paragraph diatribe about the cloud, the Geek Squad and the missing close to a hundred tunes, I am happy to say all is now safe and sound and found.
This new computer is markedly faster, and the screen is massive. It's also a touchscreen, which I haven't really used yet. Old dog, new tricks. My basic writing motus operandi is sitting back with my feet on the desk, remote key board on my lap, looking at the screen from about two to three feet away. I'd need pretty long arms if I was going to be using the touch screen, know what I mean?
The other night I watched a bit of the epically colossal blockbuster 1963 movie, "Cleopatra", starring Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. I say watched a bit because the movie is just over four hours long. I can't sit still for four minutes let alone four hours.
But, Holy Cow! What a lavish extravaganza. It cost forty-four million to make back then, which would be equivalent to roughly three hundred fifty million today. The sets were incredible, the costumes magnificent. It's no wonder the movie took home Oscars for both those categories.
The movie went way over budget, which is not surprising when you have from fifty to a thousand extras in every other scene. Plus those beasts need to eat. And half the costumes on the principal actors contained actual gold. As a matter of fact, one of Liz's sixty-five costumes was made from twenty-four carat gold cloth.
Seventy-nine massive, amazing sets. Twenty-six thousand colorful costumes.
And Liz's eye shadow was epically incredible. Her face was a double sided mural, bright beautiful colors illuminating from what seemed like a football field between her cornea and brow. She could have provided the entire light show at a rock concert. Just by blinking.
Liz also showed off her ample cleavage with just about every offering. And every once in a while an entire naked leg peeked through her many times quite sheer gown. As a matter of fact, there were numerous scenes with bikinily clad women dancing around as entertainment for the royalty. It had all the trappings of, say, a PG rated Roman orgy, including over intoxication and ribald laughter.
And then there was this scene between Richard (Mark Antony) and Liz (Cleo). She's wearing a sheer lavender gown open to her navel, he's wearing a turquoise, gold, leather and leopard print tunic type thing that's short. I mean, showing a helluva lot of leg really short. Like 1980's OP shorts short. I mean, his tunic was shorter than Taylor Swift's hot pants.
And thusly attired, Mark Antony says, while walking behind Cleopatra, "I have a fondness for all things Greek."
What does this mean??? Do you think he was talking about salad?
Speaking of Liz and Dick, this was the first of eleven movies they starred in together. It was also the beginning of a real life love hate relationship between them that lasted until Burton's death.
"May I never be free of you," says Mark Antony to Cleopatra after a tender kiss. Or was that Dick to Liz?
And speaking of Richard Burton, that man possessed amazing oratory skills. He also had remarkable knees. As a matter of fact, most all the men in the movie were attired in short, leather whatsits when they weren't wearing robes. There was more visible bare male thigh in this movie than any Annette Funacello and Frankie Avalon beach romp.
Rex Harrison is also in the film as Caesar. But he gets stabbed, a lot, by almost everybody, about midway through the movie. I have to admit it was strange to see Rex playing a Roman emperor. I kept waiting for him to teach Cleopatra vowels and about the rain in Spain.
How does the movie end? I have no idea. As I first mentioned, it's over four hours long.
I am currently in the planning stages of an upcoming excursion over land and sea to London, England. Brexit was a pretty good thing for the dollar, apparently. We're going to London for ten days for a thousand bucks less than a seven day junket to Cabo. And trust me, Cabo is a heck of a lot closer to us than London is. And it's, I mean, in Mexico.
Not only will it be a wonderful adventure, it will also give me a travel subject to write about. I have discovered it's difficult to be a travel writer if you're not going anywhere.
I'm going to make a note of that.
I have already been to the London Bridge, which is weird, because it's in Lake Havasu City, Arizona. I think they sell a lot of fish and chips there, in Arizona, in the middle of the desert. Doesn't anybody else think that's weird?
So I am in the process of working on an Excel spread sheet for the excursion, figuring what sights work best with particular days. It's a problem, I know.
Here's some good information for just about everybody. I was recently gnawed on by a tick. The last time this happened was about fifty-six years ago, when I was six. I don't think there's a pattern here, but if there is, I'll take it.
I had just sat down on that one seat in the house where a lot of folks first sit in the morning and something innocently drew my hand to scratch my right upper torso. A couple light scratches and whatever it was tumbled off and into the toilet. At first I thought it was a little scab because it came off so easily.
But when I got up and looked in the mirror, holy cow! There was one big, red, round circle the size of a quarter with a little crater in the middle. Bastard! Fortunately I already had a scheduled appointment with my doctor for that afternoon. He confirmed it was a tick bite, and here's the kicker. The tick HAS to be in there and actively sucking your blood for at least 30 HOURS before they can transmit the bad stuff, like Lyme Disease.
I'm pretty sure I picked him up that night from one of our cats, so I'd give him from six to ten hours feasting upon my flesh. Bastard. I usually burn them when I pull them from the cats, but at least this guy got to go to a shitty demise.
Homestead Update
I was concerned it was going to add about two grams of weight to my torso for the next seven years, but it turns out that's just an old wives tale. You know, scare the bejezus out of the kids so they don't eat their gum. Kinda like the worms and raw sugar thing.
A miniscule amount of those two grams of masticatory substance do digest, like the sweetening agent, but the rest of the synthetic elastomers, or rubberlike materials, as well as plasticizing softeners, resins and preservative antioxidizing agents are going to remain intact. Hopefully slithering out as easily as they slithered on in. Fortunately I only swallowed one piece and not a truck load.
I definitely try to not get political on this blog, I think I only went rabid once. And that was to point out that it's hard to have a discussion with someone when the facts they are espousing aren't really facts at all. You know, alternative facts. It's imperative, especially NOW, that everyone gets their facts from reliable sources. And if you're not sure if it's a fact or propaganda, then check a few sources. Please. The future of our country depends on it.
And speaking of our country, you know things have gotten potently weird when Senator Lindsay Graham makes sense. And you see George W on TV and wistfully harken back to the good old days...
"I'd go anywhere with you Honey."
I made that comment one evening to my lovely wife, and I meant it. But then, later that same evening, I got to thinkin that there may be a few places I'd probably not want to go.
We've already established somewhere, sometime in a previous post that I'm only good for an hour of shopping. I don't care what it is. Clothes, food, hardware, furniture. One hour.
No, I take that back. I'm only good at furniture shipping for oh, say, about seven minutes. After that, I don't care. She can buy whatever she wants. I'd rather do crossword puzzles in the car. Maybe stare at some air for a while.
There's also a number of planetary locations I can pass on. Iraq and Iran come to mind. So does Syria. And Mozambique. The entire continent of Africa for that matter. Kansas. Los Angeles.
Other than the aforementioned, I'm probably good to go. She already bamboozled me into a Robert Mapplethorpe exhibit, I mean, how much more challenging and daring could it get?
I just FINALLY finished completing the plantation of the orchard. That little project only took six years. In addition to the white nectarine, yellow nectarine, peach, and plum that are now fruit bearing four year olds, we have added: two pears, two apples, a cherry, an apricot, a white peach and a pomegranate. One more cherry is still on tap.
One of the reasons it took so long is there's a whole bunch of stuff I do when they go in. First there's the hole, then the positioning of the bare root tree, then the entire hole gets filled with real good top soil, then several layers of wood chips go on, then I introduce a few worms to each tree basin, then a couple T-posts go in and then each little darling gets wrapped with five foot high wire so that them damn flea infested mule deer don't rape and pillage. And of course, I will now have to dote on them during the hot, dry summer months.
I just made an investment in a new computer. The old one, I mean ten years really old, running the Windows Vista platform, finally crashed. For good. I've been nursing it along for a couple years now, and everyone, I mean everyone who touched the thing told me I needed to get a new one. Aw shucks, darn. I'm the fool on this here hill, what do I know about new?
My biggest concern about the crash was my ITunes song collection, close to a thousand hand picked songs. I routinely back up documents and photos, but ITunes is a bit of a different animal. Without going into a multi-paragraph diatribe about the cloud, the Geek Squad and the missing close to a hundred tunes, I am happy to say all is now safe and sound and found.
This new computer is markedly faster, and the screen is massive. It's also a touchscreen, which I haven't really used yet. Old dog, new tricks. My basic writing motus operandi is sitting back with my feet on the desk, remote key board on my lap, looking at the screen from about two to three feet away. I'd need pretty long arms if I was going to be using the touch screen, know what I mean?
The other night I watched a bit of the epically colossal blockbuster 1963 movie, "Cleopatra", starring Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. I say watched a bit because the movie is just over four hours long. I can't sit still for four minutes let alone four hours.
But, Holy Cow! What a lavish extravaganza. It cost forty-four million to make back then, which would be equivalent to roughly three hundred fifty million today. The sets were incredible, the costumes magnificent. It's no wonder the movie took home Oscars for both those categories.
The movie went way over budget, which is not surprising when you have from fifty to a thousand extras in every other scene. Plus those beasts need to eat. And half the costumes on the principal actors contained actual gold. As a matter of fact, one of Liz's sixty-five costumes was made from twenty-four carat gold cloth.
Seventy-nine massive, amazing sets. Twenty-six thousand colorful costumes.
And Liz's eye shadow was epically incredible. Her face was a double sided mural, bright beautiful colors illuminating from what seemed like a football field between her cornea and brow. She could have provided the entire light show at a rock concert. Just by blinking.
Liz also showed off her ample cleavage with just about every offering. And every once in a while an entire naked leg peeked through her many times quite sheer gown. As a matter of fact, there were numerous scenes with bikinily clad women dancing around as entertainment for the royalty. It had all the trappings of, say, a PG rated Roman orgy, including over intoxication and ribald laughter.
And then there was this scene between Richard (Mark Antony) and Liz (Cleo). She's wearing a sheer lavender gown open to her navel, he's wearing a turquoise, gold, leather and leopard print tunic type thing that's short. I mean, showing a helluva lot of leg really short. Like 1980's OP shorts short. I mean, his tunic was shorter than Taylor Swift's hot pants.
And thusly attired, Mark Antony says, while walking behind Cleopatra, "I have a fondness for all things Greek."
What does this mean??? Do you think he was talking about salad?
Speaking of Liz and Dick, this was the first of eleven movies they starred in together. It was also the beginning of a real life love hate relationship between them that lasted until Burton's death.
"May I never be free of you," says Mark Antony to Cleopatra after a tender kiss. Or was that Dick to Liz?
And speaking of Richard Burton, that man possessed amazing oratory skills. He also had remarkable knees. As a matter of fact, most all the men in the movie were attired in short, leather whatsits when they weren't wearing robes. There was more visible bare male thigh in this movie than any Annette Funacello and Frankie Avalon beach romp.
Rex Harrison is also in the film as Caesar. But he gets stabbed, a lot, by almost everybody, about midway through the movie. I have to admit it was strange to see Rex playing a Roman emperor. I kept waiting for him to teach Cleopatra vowels and about the rain in Spain.
How does the movie end? I have no idea. As I first mentioned, it's over four hours long.
I am currently in the planning stages of an upcoming excursion over land and sea to London, England. Brexit was a pretty good thing for the dollar, apparently. We're going to London for ten days for a thousand bucks less than a seven day junket to Cabo. And trust me, Cabo is a heck of a lot closer to us than London is. And it's, I mean, in Mexico.
Not only will it be a wonderful adventure, it will also give me a travel subject to write about. I have discovered it's difficult to be a travel writer if you're not going anywhere.
I'm going to make a note of that.
I have already been to the London Bridge, which is weird, because it's in Lake Havasu City, Arizona. I think they sell a lot of fish and chips there, in Arizona, in the middle of the desert. Doesn't anybody else think that's weird?
So I am in the process of working on an Excel spread sheet for the excursion, figuring what sights work best with particular days. It's a problem, I know.
Here's some good information for just about everybody. I was recently gnawed on by a tick. The last time this happened was about fifty-six years ago, when I was six. I don't think there's a pattern here, but if there is, I'll take it.
I had just sat down on that one seat in the house where a lot of folks first sit in the morning and something innocently drew my hand to scratch my right upper torso. A couple light scratches and whatever it was tumbled off and into the toilet. At first I thought it was a little scab because it came off so easily.
But when I got up and looked in the mirror, holy cow! There was one big, red, round circle the size of a quarter with a little crater in the middle. Bastard! Fortunately I already had a scheduled appointment with my doctor for that afternoon. He confirmed it was a tick bite, and here's the kicker. The tick HAS to be in there and actively sucking your blood for at least 30 HOURS before they can transmit the bad stuff, like Lyme Disease.
I'm pretty sure I picked him up that night from one of our cats, so I'd give him from six to ten hours feasting upon my flesh. Bastard. I usually burn them when I pull them from the cats, but at least this guy got to go to a shitty demise.
Homestead Update
I was talking with one of my neighbors the other day. She, like me, loathe day-light savings and the long summer hours. Our short winter break is over. Back to non-stop fun and frolic for seeming ever. We may be getting too old for this. I already need two of me just to keep up.
I had to put down my first chicken this morning. I've had plenty of them die on me, or just disappear, but I haven't had to dust one on purpose, until now. She got sick, or maybe injured, and I actually nursed her back to health over a week or so. She was eating and drinking on her own. But one of her legs possibly had atrophied while she was still and her foot had turned black. She couldn't move on her own. Sigh.
It was Josie Rosie Posie too, the girl who survived the ringtail attack a couple years back. It was the total humane action to take, but that did not make it easier. She is now buried near the picket fence and will provide excellent fertilizer for the many flowers that will be taking over the area in the coming months.
The rest of the flock is fine, including that damn rooster. And we have four new chicks in the brooder, two of which are Guinea Hens.
Let's see; burn piles, cut flower boxes to build, brick planter box to create, brick entry and rose sea, weeds, weed whacking, corn, melons, tomatoes, firewood. 2017. It's on.
But first, before it gets too crazy, London. Look for that first travel post near the end of May.
Happy Spring Y'all.
Monday, February 13, 2017
The Last Time I Got Hammered
The last time I got hammered was Valentine's Day, 1991. No, it's not nearly as romantic as it sounds. I got hammered all by myself, on the most desolate and lonely road trip one could imagine. You can read all about that right here: Late Night Letters to the Moon, cause this post is not about that particular excursion. It's about getting hammered, in general.
The first time I got a little hammered was over at my soon to be step-mother's house for dinner. Only I didn't know it. Either one actually. I didn't go over there with the intention of catching a buzz and I had no idea she was to be our new step-mother. At the time I figured she was merely dating Dear Old Dad.
And she had this lovely blond daughter, whom I endeavored to pick up after I caught a buzz. Only she knew we were gonna be step-siblings, so she wanted no part of making out with a soon to be brother. Or a drunk for that matter.
I caught a buzz that first time drinking a little glass of suicide. You know, mix a half dozen kinds of alcohol together and then guzzle. I probably only had about three shots by volume, but it was enough to set this fourteen year old's hair on fire.
I only did suicides a few times. I mean, drinking suicides is like playing with puke fire. It seemed much easier on my teenage constitution to down a six pack of Burgie. Or a couple tall malt liquors.
Then came the age of cocktails. Mine was Tanquerey and tonic. With a twist. Mmmm, thirst quenching good.
And of course wine. Chardonnay and Cabernet. What can I say?
And then of course Cognac.
Drinks before dinner, wine with dinner, after-dinner drinks. Rode that train all the way into my early thirties. And then, a few life situations and inebriations landed me pretty much towards the bottom of a quite hellish barrel.
At that time I was drinking a half gallon, or handle of Popov vodka every single day. Got it in the cheap plastic bottle so I could squeeze it out quicker. Mixed that up with lemonade. Drank that until the fateful bus trip to the desert. My liver, at the time, was the size of Montana.
I have a lot of wonderful memories of the early hammer years. Actually, I have a fair amount of decent memories from the later hammer years. In between the puking and shaking.
But now I have been waking up pretty much every single morning feeling good for about twenty-six years. Hell, that's a longer span of time than my hammer years were.
Do I miss having a cocktail? A glass of wine? An ice cold beer?
No, not really. After all this time I've learned to live life and have a ball, without alcohol. There was a time I thought I'd never have a good time without it. Now I can't imagine life with it.
I still enjoy the aroma of alcohol. I use it in baking and cooking all the time. I can also take a real deep inhalation off an open bottle every once in a while and feel that permeation all the way down to my core. It makes me smile.
It also reminds me a very special moment with Dear Old Dad. He'd had a couple of strokes and was interred at a local nursing home. On one of our visits I smuggled in a little airline bottle of Jack Daniels, his favorite. It wasn't hard to smuggle in, you know, I just put it my pocket. The first thing he did was take a whiff, and the glow that came across his face bespoke of warm, golden memories from days gone past.
How can I get away with this? Inhaling and baking and making very dirty Martinis once in a while for my lovely wife? It's not an issue. Hasn't been for decades.
Did I join AA? No, I decided I'd rather become dependent upon myself rather than a group of other suffering individuals. Nothing against the group, they've helped a lot of people. Just not for me.
I have done some internal work. Read a few books. Dug in the dirt. Read a few more books. Identified a few detrimental issues then screamed and howled at the moon. It will still be an ongoing process, forever, but I am usually quite happy and at peace most of the time. Unless I'm in a car behind a moron who flips their turn signal on just as they begin their turn. Or never.
I was behind a gal the other day that turned on her blinker a long hundred yards before she started slowing to make her turn. I wept. I wanted to follow her into her driveway and get on my knees to thank her. Only she'd probably think I was a little crazy, call the cops and they'd shoot me fifteen times. Cause if they're gonna shoot once anymore they're gonna empty their service revolver. Then reload and fire again.
Whatever happened to just "winging" an unarmed suspect?
I still have a few sideline life diversions. Like cookies for instance. And gardening. Chickens. Writing. I've also been known to spark up a little alternative tobacco now and then. But I could walk away from all that tomorrow as long as I was able to keep one thing.
Some of you older readers may remember the "I found it" bumper stickers from the early seventies. I think they were mostly religious in nature and soon spawned a number of follow-ups.
"I smelled it"
"I concocted it"
"I ate it"
I think my favorite, on the bumper of a convertible sports car driven by a pretty blonde, "I fondled it."
Although I'm not a religious guy, I do believe in God or a higher power, a spiritual essence de la orange. A group of lizards sittin around playing video games. I know there's some sort of bright, burning, mystically energetic and frolicsome force that blazes out there though, because I have danced in the bright white light. I swam in the vast ocean of serenity; a seeming endless dream.
Or was that the acid?
I love a good mystery.
I have also been fortunate enough to lose pretty much everything in my mid thirties, so I have that going for me as well. I was able to keep my record collection, which I later sold for $50.00. And some clothes, which I later threw away cause they didn't fit anymore. It felt pretty lousy at the time, but as I continued further down the road I was on I discovered all that crap was meaningless anyway.
So what's the one thing? What have I found that's so dang important? Why that would be the love, laughter, and tears shared with family, friends and maybe complete strangers.
Sunsets are nice too.
Grandchildren are even better.
Looking deep into your lover's eyes. That right there is what's important, that's the Good Stuff. The rest of it is irrelevant.
Sure, go on out and pursue the grandeur. Toys are fun. Why the hell not?
But don't forget the good stuff. All the grandeur, memory foam and flat screen TVs will fade away some day, and all you'll be left with will be the only thing that matters anyway. Bright, burning, shining, love.
Unless you're Dick Cheney. Cause that dude is one loveless, evil looking son of a bitch.
Getting hammered was easy, and for a time seemed to quell the questions. But it always seemed there was something missing. Alcohol could only fill the hole in the soul for so long. Only when I gave it up and let it all go did I really find what I was looking for. Pure. Sweet. Simple. Love.
Happy Valentine's Day.
The first time I got a little hammered was over at my soon to be step-mother's house for dinner. Only I didn't know it. Either one actually. I didn't go over there with the intention of catching a buzz and I had no idea she was to be our new step-mother. At the time I figured she was merely dating Dear Old Dad.
And she had this lovely blond daughter, whom I endeavored to pick up after I caught a buzz. Only she knew we were gonna be step-siblings, so she wanted no part of making out with a soon to be brother. Or a drunk for that matter.
I caught a buzz that first time drinking a little glass of suicide. You know, mix a half dozen kinds of alcohol together and then guzzle. I probably only had about three shots by volume, but it was enough to set this fourteen year old's hair on fire.
I only did suicides a few times. I mean, drinking suicides is like playing with puke fire. It seemed much easier on my teenage constitution to down a six pack of Burgie. Or a couple tall malt liquors.
Then came the age of cocktails. Mine was Tanquerey and tonic. With a twist. Mmmm, thirst quenching good.
And of course wine. Chardonnay and Cabernet. What can I say?
And then of course Cognac.
Drinks before dinner, wine with dinner, after-dinner drinks. Rode that train all the way into my early thirties. And then, a few life situations and inebriations landed me pretty much towards the bottom of a quite hellish barrel.
At that time I was drinking a half gallon, or handle of Popov vodka every single day. Got it in the cheap plastic bottle so I could squeeze it out quicker. Mixed that up with lemonade. Drank that until the fateful bus trip to the desert. My liver, at the time, was the size of Montana.
I have a lot of wonderful memories of the early hammer years. Actually, I have a fair amount of decent memories from the later hammer years. In between the puking and shaking.
But now I have been waking up pretty much every single morning feeling good for about twenty-six years. Hell, that's a longer span of time than my hammer years were.
Do I miss having a cocktail? A glass of wine? An ice cold beer?
No, not really. After all this time I've learned to live life and have a ball, without alcohol. There was a time I thought I'd never have a good time without it. Now I can't imagine life with it.
I still enjoy the aroma of alcohol. I use it in baking and cooking all the time. I can also take a real deep inhalation off an open bottle every once in a while and feel that permeation all the way down to my core. It makes me smile.
It also reminds me a very special moment with Dear Old Dad. He'd had a couple of strokes and was interred at a local nursing home. On one of our visits I smuggled in a little airline bottle of Jack Daniels, his favorite. It wasn't hard to smuggle in, you know, I just put it my pocket. The first thing he did was take a whiff, and the glow that came across his face bespoke of warm, golden memories from days gone past.
How can I get away with this? Inhaling and baking and making very dirty Martinis once in a while for my lovely wife? It's not an issue. Hasn't been for decades.
Did I join AA? No, I decided I'd rather become dependent upon myself rather than a group of other suffering individuals. Nothing against the group, they've helped a lot of people. Just not for me.
I have done some internal work. Read a few books. Dug in the dirt. Read a few more books. Identified a few detrimental issues then screamed and howled at the moon. It will still be an ongoing process, forever, but I am usually quite happy and at peace most of the time. Unless I'm in a car behind a moron who flips their turn signal on just as they begin their turn. Or never.
I was behind a gal the other day that turned on her blinker a long hundred yards before she started slowing to make her turn. I wept. I wanted to follow her into her driveway and get on my knees to thank her. Only she'd probably think I was a little crazy, call the cops and they'd shoot me fifteen times. Cause if they're gonna shoot once anymore they're gonna empty their service revolver. Then reload and fire again.
Whatever happened to just "winging" an unarmed suspect?
I still have a few sideline life diversions. Like cookies for instance. And gardening. Chickens. Writing. I've also been known to spark up a little alternative tobacco now and then. But I could walk away from all that tomorrow as long as I was able to keep one thing.
Some of you older readers may remember the "I found it" bumper stickers from the early seventies. I think they were mostly religious in nature and soon spawned a number of follow-ups.
"I smelled it"
"I concocted it"
"I ate it"
I think my favorite, on the bumper of a convertible sports car driven by a pretty blonde, "I fondled it."
Although I'm not a religious guy, I do believe in God or a higher power, a spiritual essence de la orange. A group of lizards sittin around playing video games. I know there's some sort of bright, burning, mystically energetic and frolicsome force that blazes out there though, because I have danced in the bright white light. I swam in the vast ocean of serenity; a seeming endless dream.
Or was that the acid?
I love a good mystery.
I have also been fortunate enough to lose pretty much everything in my mid thirties, so I have that going for me as well. I was able to keep my record collection, which I later sold for $50.00. And some clothes, which I later threw away cause they didn't fit anymore. It felt pretty lousy at the time, but as I continued further down the road I was on I discovered all that crap was meaningless anyway.
So what's the one thing? What have I found that's so dang important? Why that would be the love, laughter, and tears shared with family, friends and maybe complete strangers.
Sunsets are nice too.
Grandchildren are even better.
Looking deep into your lover's eyes. That right there is what's important, that's the Good Stuff. The rest of it is irrelevant.
Sure, go on out and pursue the grandeur. Toys are fun. Why the hell not?
But don't forget the good stuff. All the grandeur, memory foam and flat screen TVs will fade away some day, and all you'll be left with will be the only thing that matters anyway. Bright, burning, shining, love.
Unless you're Dick Cheney. Cause that dude is one loveless, evil looking son of a bitch.
Getting hammered was easy, and for a time seemed to quell the questions. But it always seemed there was something missing. Alcohol could only fill the hole in the soul for so long. Only when I gave it up and let it all go did I really find what I was looking for. Pure. Sweet. Simple. Love.
Happy Valentine's Day.
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