Several days after my eldest grandson's funeral, I took the first of many DMT voyages since his death. What is DMT you may ask?
DMT (N,N-Dimethyltryptamine) is a powerful, naturally occurring psychedelic compound that induces intense, short-lived visual and auditory hallucinations. It exists, pretty much, in all living things.
Quick Onset: When smoked or vaporized, effects begin within seconds, peaking quickly and usually resolving within five to eight minutes, with slight after effects for thirty to forty-five minutes.
Ayahuasca: The classic South American psychedelic brew. Oral ingestion requires combination with a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAOI), so a couple of plants are brewed together. This method extends the experience to several hours, but it is not as intense.
Perceptual Changes: Users report profound alterations in space, time, and body identity, frequently describing vivid encounters with autonomous entities or alternate realities.
I had voyaged on DMT a few times prior to this. What I have always preferred with this particular vehicle is the short duration. A twelve hour acid excursion might be a bit much for my constitution anymore. For Pete's sake.
DMT had always been a very pleasant, cerebral and colorful experience for me. Many folks have encountered any number of different kinds of entities, the only thing I had encountered (until recently) was a white serpent. She was not frightening, she was not aggressive. She kept her distance, but she also watched me very closely. Geometric patterns flowed within her.
The incredibly bright colors and amazing geometric patterns you see while on DMT look extremely similar to Huichol Indian art. Pretty sure some of these folks be time traveling...
Keep in mind, all the patterns move in an amazing concentric cosmic dance.
The DMT I had in my hot little hands I had been sitting on for a while. I hadn't voyaged for probably six or seven years. It had the consistency of moist sawdust, with a very pungent earthy smell. And it sat, in a dark vial. Tucked away. For a rainy day. Which unfortunately arrived.
I had no idea what to expect. Several days earlier I had wandered up to the greenhouses, again, spaces where Cash and I had spent an enormous amount of time prior to his death. I had read a poem at his graveside service, four lines of which:
"I will look for you always in the bright autumn leaves,
I will feel your presence within a small breeze
I will seek your spirit in the sky above
I will see you always in the faces I love..."
As I sat on a large boulder, facing the greenhouses and weeping uncontrollably, a soft breeze suddenly came upon me. I looked up and there was a hawk circling above.
It was then Cassius came to me and said, "I am God. So are you."
Totally Cassius. Layers upon layers. And maybe a little humor. Smart ass kid. We had shared many conversations about psychedelics and the spiritual realm, and here he was, actually in the realm, talking to me. To me, that was an invitation to come see and be.
My darling sweet niece Ashley had come up immediately after hearing about his death and pretty much stayed with my daughter for weeks. They are very much sister cousins. And my darling sweet niece Ashley became the lucky psychonaut sacred space sitter for her uncle me.
We chose a very ordinary place out at the farm. There was still family commotion inside the house, so we wandered a bit away and sat on an old desk and office seat. It was not fancy, it was kinda littered. But Ash and I both maintain any place, EVERY place can be sacred. It's all about what's in your heart.
All I knew was that my heart was open and raw. It was from this space that I entered the holy realm, NOT consciously thinking about it. I took three long, deliberate hits, and within seconds I started drifting and was immediately hit by a lightening bolt right through my head and into my heart. The electricity and energy surged through my entire shaking body. I slowly drifted into soft chambers of down, bright blue and purple colors swirled about me. A breeze came and I felt Cash's energy, the pulsation of his heart and spirit.
I lingered as long as allowed, and came back to my sweet niece sitting across from me in the classic lotus pose. Soft blue, green and purple shafts of color still swirled as I re-entered this reality, taking another twenty minutes to assimilate and completely come down.
Several days later I voyaged again. With Ash holding space, I blasted off. This time was similar, a lightening bolt entered through my head, filling my entire body with bright white light. My body trembled and shook as all the light and energy surged throughout my being. It felt like I was being fuel injected with copious amounts of love.
While I definitely believe it is safer and quite possibly more beneficial to voyage with a sitter, nevertheless, primarily because of scheduling conflicts, I felt compelled to venture forth a couple times on my own.
The first time I had the distinct feeling and impression that I was awakening, that I was waking up after a long, long sleep. Like centuries long sleep.
The second time, I was hit again by that damn bright white light, and it completely ripped my heart open. As I sat there, sobbing on my front porch, an ally, friend and healer appeared for the first time. She was a beautiful black and red serpent, and she hovered over me like a very patient and protective mother as I wept. Maybe she was the original white one I saw, but now that she was a part of me her colors had changed.
I knew my dear Ashley would eventually have to go home, so I sort of enlisted the assistance of another close friend of my children's. I approached Michelle with the the thought of voyaging with me, or at least space sitting, and she was at a perfect moment in life for a little spiritual adventure. She said yes.
I usually set sail with eyes closed, but this first time together I was looking at her as we blasted off. As I looked within her eyes , I saw and vibrated with her entire everything (heart, being, spirit, essence) completely. At that point I closed my eyes, and held her hand for the rest of the voyage. During that time I could feel her heart and spirit and I could feel energy coursing through me and into her.
The second time we voyaged together, with Ashley still holding space, we BOTH ended up together in the same amazing sacred space. We wandered, in awe through HUGE, brightly colored rooms. We were in a palace, with endless rooms as large as the Empire State Building. The colors were as bright as you saw above, all moving in incredible concentric, geometric patterns.
It was then our paths diverged. I ended up in a bright golden room with a dozen or more hummingbirds. And she had a visit with a red eagle.
I had no idea what was happening. I knew I had touched the divine, had danced with the divine, and I wanted to share this love and energy with everyone. At that point I had no idea my Kundalini had spontaneously awoke. So what the heck is a Kundalini anyway?
Kundalini is a form of dormant spiritual energy that ancient traditions describe as a coiled snake at the base of the spine. My new girlfriend? When consciously awakening the kundalini through meditation, it usually starts at the base of the spine, or root chakra.
A spontaneous awakening, which can be triggered by trauma, deep emotional grief, psychedelics, or near death experiences, many times starts in the upper chakras.
It was a rather heady experience for me, this spontaneous awakening. I was dancing with the divine and was filled with a gigantic amount of love and energy. I now know the awakening is just the beginning and takes a while to sort out, integrate and embody. But in the moment, I was thinking I could just do drugs and save the world.
With the thought of sharing more energy and love, another friend sat in and held space for Michelle and I. This time I opened my heart to the heavens and was bombarded with light and energy. I became a part of the "crystalline grid, which is the invisible, multidimensional, architectural blueprint that connects consciousness, the physical earth and spiritual realms". I sat there with arms out stretched to the heavens, once again trembling, bathed in pulsating blue and white light. Michelle was with me all the way. And by the way, the grid is not invisible when you're a part of it.
The next time we voyaged together we did it with my skeptical but lovely wife sitting in and witnessing. Cassius's father joined us as well.
The first round was light, but my hands, that I have since named Ying and Yang, had already kinda started their spontaneous kriya dance. What are kriyas you may ask?
Spontaneous kriyas are involuntary physical movements that happen during deep meditation or spiritual practice, when stored stress and life force energy release from the nervous system. Spontaneous kundalini can also awaken kriyas. The hand dance is also a way for the body to release and express all the energy inside.
I was beginning to give the spinners at a Grateful Dead show a run for their money.
My lovely wife commented on how the three of us reacted. My ex son-in-law had been a stone, Michelle her beautiful, effervescent flowing self and then my lovely wife made fun of me and my wildly dancing hands.
The three of us decided to do it again, only more this time. Once we set sail, I made the conscious decision to keep my hands still. I think I sat on them. What happened next was wild. That energy needed to go somewhere, so my heart decided to burst open in an incredible array of color, light and love. It felt like a 4th of July firework finale that lasted forever, emanating from my heart. Michelle was there too. We were both sitting there, giggling, as our hearts exploded in love and light.
Ever since that first voyage I have been bombarded with personal spiritual insights. Synchronicity has been off the hook. Empathy, ridiculous. These are all symptoms of a kundalini awakening, and most of these were happening without any substance ingestion during my day to day.
One of the primary insights I had was how I was dealing. I stopped thinking about everything early on, and let my body and intuition guide me.
It became clear to me that I was not going to ever think or understand my way to heaven. Words only took me so far. Comprehending only took me so far. I'd been trying understand my way to heaven for decades and only got lost in the woods. Every single time. As soon as I started feeling my way I was there, in heaven, through my heart.
I was also not going to think my way out of grieving my grandson. I now know that grief lives in the body, and it is there that it must be met. But at this early stage feeling felt right, so I rolled with it.
There have been several voyages since, but here's where the story shifts. Again. While these voyages were incredibly sacred and I danced with the divine, there was more. I could feel it.
