Monday, February 2, 2015

The Great Wall of Innuendo and The RePurpose Whisperers


Before I get going with my regularly scheduled post, which, by the way, features TWO stories this time instead of just one because they're kinda photo essays, I have to share the following Yelp review I recently drafted to their site.  It pertains to a local business and I just wanna give all my local readers a heads up.  It'll probably leave everyone else scratching their heads and laughing at my misfortune.  Sigh.  It's hell to be me sometimes.

-Just got off the phone with the guy over at Sierra Plumbing Supply in Grass Valley who purportedly draws up irrigation plans.  I dropped off my diagram and measurements for a sprinkler system about a year or so ago.  I chatted with him at the time I dropped everything off and he said he would get back to me.  I never heard from him again.  Due to the drought, I was in no hurry to implement said system since I definitely was not going to be planting anything new at the time.  However, I may be implementing the system this spring and, as I mentioned, I just got off the phone with him to see what was up. 



He offhandedly informed me plans that old usually get thrown out if he never hears from anyone.   Huh?  I mean, what?  I mean, huh?

He was supposed to call me.  That's what he said.  And now all my measuring and figuring, several hours worth, is out the window.  His last remark to me after stating "we'd have to start all over" was to "have fun." 



I was polite, however, many expletives came to mind.  I just checked; they're still coming to mind.  A lot of 'em.  They’re right there, right at the tip of my tongue.



First of all, I think he was supposed to be the "Professional".  The one who stated he would call me when the plans were finished.  Yep, I just checked my memory again.  He was supposed to call me.  Usually, one does NOT have to baby sit a "professional" to find out how things are going, usually the "professional" gets back to the customer as soon as they can and tries to complete the sale.  Usually. 



At the very least a phone call to me might have been warranted to say they were about to throw away 3-4 hours of my work.  And then complete the sale.  

Maybe they are so busy over there they do not need my business.  I can take a hint.   I will have to get out and take umpteen measurements all over again and make a nice, purdy diagram.  And when I am finished, you can rest assured (after making copies) I will take them to anywhere other than Sierra Plumbing Supply-


And now, back to our regularly scheduled double blog post.

For 136 reasons, or at least maybe 2, this little project, The Great Wall of Innuendo, had to be completed. Besides making an overflow parking spot or two, this wall will offer support for the embankment and will now allow me to complete planting the lower embankment of the parking lot to prevent further erosion.  And hopefully prevent further cracks in the asphalt.  Here's an aerial photo of the driveway.  OK, a second story photo of the driveway.
You can kind of see the direction the wave is flowing.  It's like the San Andreas fault, which will sooner or later deliver California into the Pacific Ocean.  You know, like, in ten thousand years.  Or tomorrow.  Either one.  Take your pick.  Got a Ouija board handy?  What this flow will do here, if left unchecked for a decade or two, is sooner or later deliver all that recently laid asphalt down over yonder here.

See what I have to contend with around here?  Another previous homeowner solution.  Ol' Homeboy, the previous owner, just kept tossing dirt and dilapidated construction supplies over down yonder there.  Hillbilly style.  It kept slipping, he kept tossing.  Must have been a big malt liquor day to come up with that plan of action.  I want to get 'er done and forget about it.

Besides all the above, this is also the location where all my extra dirt goes.  I just moved a bunch of it to this location so I could put up Bernadette. my new water tank.  Future work will manufacture more dirt.  This is where it is all ordained to go. 

So I took me some measurements and did me some math.  Bought a little lumber and concrete.  Then it was time to dig some holes and plant a couple treated posts with the hopes they might attract others.

Dig it.
Let me tell you, digging holes on that slope was challenging.  Besides the slope, I'm still not quite 100% physically.  I think I'm in the mid 90's after my relationship with my appendix, Uncle Wiggley, ended last October.  The Doc said it would be a three to six month recovery, it looks like I'll be in the three to four month range. 

As with many of my creations, I had no concise plan or design.  I basically made it up as I went, tagging along with the contour of the ground.  I planted both the above posts first and let them and myself sit a couple days.  BTW, you always want to let your concrete cure a couple days, especially with a post, before bumping it around.  Surest way to crack your feat is to start banging it around as soon as it appears to be dry. 

In the meantime, I was treating my finally getting put to use cedar planks with Flexx-Guard, a rubberized asphalt paint which should help them last until long after I'm gone. 

 
Once the original two posts had set, I leveled and lag bolted one plank near the bottom.  Then I dug a hole somewhere in between and set a middle post.


 
I continued on with the same process between planks and posts and posts and planks and before I knew it they were all sitting in harmony like so many ducks in a row.


I cut the posts off thirty inches above the top plank and will eventually string some manzanita along the top of the posts just like the Deep Side Trail Rail.


The facing wall has been painted with our standard blend in color, Old Vine.

I currently have around twenty Rosemary clippings in water that should be rooted by planting time this spring.  Those plants will dot that slope and should eventually take over.  Their root systems are expansive, they are drought tolerant and their little blossoms attract butterflies and bees.  What could be better?

The RePurpose Whisperers

Here's a big secret I have learned over the years: Most anybody can take most anything apart.  Even if you have to resort to a sledge hammer and a pry bar, you can get it apart, especially electronics.  As a matter of fact, I intimately know a pry bar and TV mesh really well.  The BIG secret is putting it all back together again.

I'm pretty good at fixing things.  I have a general rule of thumb, which usually equates to me earning at least $25 an hour.  So, you know, if a thing is only worth $5 I'm not going to spend much more than 5 minutes to fix it.  I'm certainly not going to spend all day.  It it's worth $25, and I can fix it within an hour, I usually do it.  If it's worth more than $25 and I can fix it in an hour that's even better.  Simple.  Some larger things, like this house for instance, require a little more time than an hour.  Like a lifetime, for instance.

Besides the beneficial financial aspect of fixing many things, there's the "footprint" aspect as well.  We're giving new life to an article that might otherwise end up dying a dismal death in a land fill somewhere.  It's a double woot.

My lovely wife has a penchant for finding wonderful, artsy creations everywhere.  Garage sales, thrift stores, Ebay, you name it.  She's out there, knows her stuff and usually gets great deals.  Sometimes the items are ready for use, many times they land in my lap.

My lovely wife is a Repurpose Whisperer, she has the eye for everything wonderful, whimsical and creative.  I'm an Underbelly Repurpose Whisperer.  I work behind the scenes.  I make many of the things  become functional and look nice nice.  

Here's an example of how we whisper together.

My lovely wife, in her meandering collecting travels, came home a few days ago with a couple of these:

They were bought to replace a couple of these:
It's called a "jelly jar outdoor down light", and you can get one on Amazon today for about $8.50.  Both jelly jars framed our garage door and that side of the house greets all our unsuspecting guests.  Unsuspecting because, well, you never know.
So, you know, they've been on the list.  You know, that list that's about as long as my life.  That list.

"Upgrade the cheap disgusting jelly jars."  I think they were number 482. 

So my lovely wife, while looking for other exciting and whimsical things, came across two of those lantern lights.  They were at our local ReStore.  ReStore is kinda like a home remodel thrift store and profits go to benefit Habitat for Humanity.  Besides getting killer deals, it's all a worthy cause.  She paid $6.50 each.

Once she brought them home it was time for me to whisper.  The lights were pretty darn dirty, just like my mind most of the time, so I started to clean them.  Which I never do to my mind by the way.  Then my lovely wife suggested that ideally they be painted black to match the shutters.  So be it.  I can dance.  And I can  whisper too. 

I only took one apart at a time so that I'd have a return to template.  Just in case.  I'm not much of a written direction kinda guy, I do much better with a diagram or picture.  I just wanted to make sure I could get Humpty together again. 

I was a little dismayed to discover during the dismantling phase Humpty's "globe" was a five piece sectional of glass, but what the hey.  If I can't whisper then I might as well dance.  Or yodel.

Once apart I painted the white parts semi-gloss black and cleaned the glass.


Once the paint dried, it was time to put Humpty back together again.  Remember, the "secret" part.  The glass sections were a little tricky.  Humpty was trial and error.  He was in surgery about forty-five minutes.  But by the time I got to Dumpty I was a certified lantern light pro.  He only took about fifteen minutes to be put back together. 

During mid-surgery of Humpty, I had to develop a cradle of sorts so that he could freely sit upside-down and vertical.  There were too many complications trying to put him back together on a flat, horizontal surface.  I used a five gallon paint bucket filled with a sweatshirt.  I also laid towels down on the concrete garage floor.  Just in case one of the glass panels decided to go for a walk I wanted them walking on something soft.


Once in the cradle everything flowed infinitely mo better.  Ever so gently I whispered along until the panels were more or less aligned within the frames.  Then I slid the top piece over the frame's top screws, massaging each panel and frame until they were all snug within their respective realms.
Total time top to bottom, dismantling, cleaning, painting, putting back together and planting on the wall was just under two hours.  For both.  Installed.
Side by side
And on the wall

Repurpose whisperers do it all.


Fowl Update

Since we've had this uptick in temperature this January we've had an uptick in eggs.  We've gone from 0-1 per day in December to 5-6 per day this January.  There's no doubt about it, we've got fair weather layers.  Not too hot, not too cold.  Rain or snow?  Hell no.  It's gotta be just right.

They seem to enjoy sunny 60's and 70's weather.  I enjoyed the 60's and 70's too.

I think. 

Come on rain.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Back Fire and Save the Souffle

Thanksgiving, 2014, was turning out like so many others.  Fabulous food, delicious drink, classy company, good gab, and plenty of hilarious, jovial mirth.  What can I say, laughter is in this family's DNA.

It was just after 9:00 PM.  The festivities were winding down.  A crew of us were watching something memorable on TV, you know, like an old Huckleberry Hound cartoon, when we heard a little crash and a bang and a few muffled words towards the back of the house.  A sound like no other I have ever heard in this house, I went to check it out and quickly heard my wonderful mother-in-law lamenting in pain.  When I turned the corner I found her partially sitting on the guest bathroom floor.  Her brand new hip had just come out of the socket for the SECOND TIME in three weeks.

I immediately got down on the floor with her to support her back.  Then I called for Dad as well as my lovely wife, who had both just turned in for the evening.  It only took about 30 seconds to discern we were hip deep in a bucket of uh oh and NOT going to move her at all.  She was stable at the moment and not in a tremendous amount of pain.  One wrong move could change that real fast.

My lovely wife made the call to 911 and then both her and my father-in-law got dressed to go to the hospital.  I stayed on the floor with Mom.  If she was going to party down on the bathroom floor I sure as hell wasn't gonna let her do it alone.

Within ten minutes the boys from the fire department were on scene.  I had asked our son-in-law to wait in front of the house to direct them to the appropriate door, a real wide, easy in/out with no stairs.  Another guest had hopped down our Lombard Street drive and waited at the road.  We're well marked, but he went down just in case.

As the fire dudes were assessing the scene, the ambulance arrived with the paramedics.  They took over, I got out of the way and within a couple minutes she had some morphine coursing through her veins.  Within a few more minutes they had her up, out, on the gurney and on her way to the hospital without a whimper or a sigh.

That came later at UC Davis Medical Center in Sacramento the next day when it took six or eight medical professionals, including three or four doctors, to hold her down and jostle the dang thing back in the socket.  Yikes!!!!!  That's when they give you wicked pain medication that can be somewhat psychoactive.  And it still ain't enough.   I'll tell you what, that lovely lady can take some pain.  I'd a been asking for a swimming pool full of Jim Beam and heroin.  And I don't even drink anymore.

Many young boys develop a desire to become a firefighter.  I was no exception.  I mean, red lights and sirens combined with flames are almost irresistible.  When we moved up here to the country, I actually thought there might be a chance to emulate Gage and DeSoto from Rescue 51.  For all you youngsters out there, that was a popular TV show just finishing up its seven year run in 1979, the year we moved to the hills. .
All the fire departments here at that time were volunteer and most of them were constantly looking for patsies, I mean volunteers, most all the time.   As it so happened, when I opened my new company's doors there was a real estate office next door.  One of the agents was a volunteer firefighter who also happened to live in the same district as we did.

When he discovered we were neighbors, he looked me up and down and said, "Ever think about becoming a volunteer firefighter?"

I went to the next meeting later that same week and became a new recruit.  At that time there was a relatively new chief that was implementing a much more thorough training program than had existed before.  He brought our backwoods country fire department into the 21st Century.  Now don't get me wrong, backwoods country got it done.  But he made us better.

There was also a relatively new member who happened to be a retired firefighting Captain and engineer from Southern California.  He became our primary source for engineer training.  I learned a lot from both those men.

Our training sessions were not to be taken lightly.  I mean, you know, there were lives at stake, yours and mine.  The sessions were generally three hours a pop, where we'd study fire science, walk the trucks to learn where everything was and of course play with all the equipment.  Over and over again.  There was a lot to learn.  I'd say my new hobby took ten to twenty hours each week of my life.  Sometimes more depending on any calls we might have gone on.  I mean, some structure fires kept us out all night.  No wonder volunteer departments were constantly looking for volunteers, this was a commitment.

I immersed myself and was soon hip deep within the organization.  It didn't take long to learn the shuck of every one's jive.  There were serious players and there were not so serious ones.  The ones that just wanted the volunteer firefighter sticker on their bumper so they could wrangle themselves out of a DUI.  Fortunately they didn't stay long.  It was a commitment.  Within the department which boasted maybe twenty to twenty-five at any given time, there was a good fifteen to eighteen man core.  Still, there was only a handful I'd want watching my back in a burning building.  Some folks tend to wanna bolt when their helmet starts to melt.  Hell, that's why you wear a nomex hood.  I'll tell you what, those turnouts can make one feel dangerously invincible sometimes.

And then, of course, there were the idiots.  And the degenerates.  The red light and siren junkies.

We had this newer recruit that somehow got behind the wheel on a call one night.  He almost got us all killed when he merged on to the highway right in front of a flying CDF engine that was also on the way to the same blaze.  They made a 55 MPH swerve and our idiot driver also made a mini swerve.  The trucks missed that high speed almost collision by about two feet.  There would have been some dead firefighters that night, especially me.  I'd a been a pancake.  I saw the whites of the eyes of the other driver.  They were wide.  Like I'm sure mine were.  Holy Shit.

That idiot was not on the department much longer.  One of the PRIMARY primaries is DO NOT CREATE ANOTHER EMERGENCY ON THE WAY TO THE EMERGENCY.  

We had another young idiot who I also think was a moron.  He would take the mini pumper out of the station and go joy riding once in a while.  Then he did something stupid and somehow got the engine smoking.  But it wasn't really on fire.  Some fluid, like oil, had leaked onto something hot, like the engine.  Just a little smoke.  But he panicked and radioed county dispatch to tone out our department to come put out the blaze.  Which really wasn't a blaze.  In the firetruck, you know, that carried water and multiple fire extinguishers.  The kind of vehicle that could put itself out if it was on fire.  Which it wasn't.  It was embarrassing having the entire county hearing us have to respond to one of our own moron's self-inflicted non emergencies that he could have easily handled without notifying the world he was an idiot.

I think chief sent him packing that day.  I mean, it takes a lot to get booted from a volunteer organization, know what I mean?    

Then we had another red light and siren adrenaline junkie.  We'd been having a rash of small brush fires one early summer and one day he happened upon another volunteer's house all jacked up.  There was a fire down the road he exclaimed, they had to get rolling to the station.  Only the fire hadn't been toned out by the county yet.  So how did he know?

Fortunately that one caught him.  That degenerate had started about five or six fires.  Fortunately and lucky for him there was no property damage (other than brush and trees) and no injuries.  Fire sure jacks up degenerates.  Excites the hell out of firefighters too, but for different reasons.  We don't want to have sex with it, we want to battle it.  It's an adversary, not a lover.

We also had a couple county sheriffs that lived in the district who joined the department when I was there.  Two sheriffs and a cop.  It was nice to get on the good side of law enforcement for a change.

Did I just say that?

There was another guy who exemplified why there was about a handful I'd want with me in a burning building.  We were out on a call one night when I was still pretty green.  Some fire around a wood stove had somehow gotten into the floor.  This guy and I were instructed to don our SCBA's (self contained breathing apparatus), go under the house with a charged line and squirt some water.  I was following this guy, the more experienced of we two, in through the dark and smokey crawl space.  Buddy system, you know.

All of a sudden my buddy bolted, did an immediate about face, left the hose and trampled me, knocking me to the ground on his way to "Get me the hell out of here NOW land!" 

I think he saw a mouse.  There was no doubt he decided he didn't want to be where he was, that's for sure.  I had to go outside and regroup, and fortunately the guys working inside the house had extinguished the flames from their topside attack.  Anyone can talk tough.  Show me. 

Our fire district was pretty big.  Not as big as, say, Wyoming, but it was pretty big.  There were three stations to cover the area, and each station held a minimum of two trucks.  One was a mini pumper, originally designed as a quick attack vehicle for wild land fires.  They had become our rescue vehicles.  They were a little larger than a big pick up, and did contain hose and water, just in case.  The other was a large "regular" size fire engine.  All three engines from the three stations were different, so we had to train and become thoroughly adept at working every truck.

I typically responded to Station 2, which was in the middle of a rather large subdivision that included a golf course, club house and some pretty nice homes.  It was about six miles south of town, still pretty rural, with lot sizes ranging from a third to a half to a full acre or more.  It was the most populous area in our district, then containing close to a thousand houses, more or less.  It was also where my lovely wife and I then resided.

One summer Saturday morning I was awakened from slumber about 6 AM with a structure fire call.  Our "tone out" then was a two tone almost french horn sounding blast followed by about a half dozen quick, loud, high pitched beeps.  Then county dispatch would start, "Bullion Fire (or Rescue) respond..."

Then they'd give the pertinence; like structure fire, car fire, brush fire, auto accident, man down etc.  That was followed by the location.  Then they'd repeat the sequence starting with the french horn.  When we'd get to the station and get the appropriate vehicle running we'd then respond via radio to the county (and chief) which vehicle number and how many individuals were responding.  Radio traffic between Chief and responding vehicles would then ensue, with him usually arriving on scene first, assessing the scene and issuing directives from there.

I met Big G at the station, one of my handful and still a very close friend, as well as one of our female volunteers.  I hopped behind the wheel and G hopped in at shotgun.  We waited about a minute for any other volunteers as the engine warmed up, then headed out, Code 2, lingo for red lights/no siren.  I mean, it was 6 AM and there were no other vehicles on the road.  Why wake the neighborhood?  

"We've got a worker here, fully involved.  Five gallon propane tank located..." came the voice of Chief over the radio.

After about a four minute silent screaming drive we approached our turn and we were able to get a visual of the fully involved house.  The female with us looked horrified, and exclaimed, "We're supposed to do something with THAT?" referring to the thirty foot high flames engulfing the building.

Big G and I looked at each other and excitedly said, "Yes!  Yes!  Yes!"  We were amped to the max!  A couple of kids on their way to the BEST.  THING.  EVER.

We rounded the corner, stopped, and our girl hopped out and wrapped a 2 1/2 inch supply line around a fire hydrant.  Always always always lay a supply line on your forward attack!  (Another primary.)  She gave me the go ahead and I proceeded forward about one hundred yards to the front of the house.  I thought we would stage from there, on the street, but since it was another seventy feet or so uphill to the party Chief ordered me up the drive.  Apparently he wanted the initial attack vehicle with all it's thunder up close and personal.

As soon as I got up the drive, about twenty feet away from the flames, I immediately felt the heat.  The house was popping!  Flaming embers were flying everywhere.  The roar from the thirty foot flames was LOUD.  Like a freight train loud.  With adrenaline coursing through my veins, I was about as hopped up and rabid as any white rabbit would be if it just snorted a bathtub full of cocaine.

A gazillion thoughts were racing through my brain.  And then I literally smacked myself across the face and said, "Do what you have been trained to do."

Rote took over.  I'd rehearsed this scene a hundred times.  I didn't even have to think.  I placed the engine in its proper position and engaged the water pump, both initial and critical operations to be completed prior to leaving the cab.  I hopped out, opened the engineer's panel on the side of the truck and chalked the front wheel.  (The wheel "chalk" is a metal device that you put behind the truck's wheel so it doesn't accidentally roll.)

Pop!  Pop!  Pop!  Flaming shit was flying!  By this time Big G had donned a SCBA, pulled one of the pre-connected 1-1/2 inch attack lines and was moving towards the fire.  As soon as all the hose was out of the bed I charged the line.  Our initial attack was underway!

Once I had Big G charged, he had about four to five minutes of water on the five hundred gallon tank.  That was based on the amount of water he was currently squirting.  At least that's what the gauges were telling me.  Pop!  Pop!  Pop!   I had to secure our supply line.  We needed more water!

By this time a couple more firefighters had arrived and one helped me muscle the 2-1/2 inch line up to the engineer's panel and get it connected.  He ran to the back of the truck, signaled to the firefighter at the hydrant to charge the supply line, donned an SCBA and caught Big G's back.

More firefighters were arriving all the time, some in their own vehicles as well as the two other main engines from each of the other stations.  One staged at the hydrant to increase the water pressure up to me, the other stayed on the street but sent everyone up to the party.  We were having a fire fiesta!

We soon had four attack lines working off my truck.  Three 1-1/2 inch lines and one 2-1/2 inch line.  It really takes two humans to handle a fully charged 1-1/2, it takes a minimum of three for a fully charged 2-1/2.  Squirting water out of a 2-1/2 inch hose line with three people is like trying to move the entire front line of the Oakland Raiders.

Squirting water out of a fully charged 1-1/2 by yourself is kinda like dancing with a gorilla.  But only if he had one knee. 

You can't squirt water out of a fully charged 2-1/2 by yourself.  I dare you.

The structure was pretty much a total loss.  It had to have been smouldering and then burning for some time before the call came in.  No one was home, so that also helped add to the smouldering time.  It was going to be quite a surprise when they returned.  Oh boy. 

After an incident, all the vehicles went to Station 1, where we'd clean the hose and equipment.  All the used hose gets washed and then sets out to dry.  Once it's dry it gets rolled up and sets on a rack.  That's the stuff we used to reload on the engine for the next time.  600-1200 feet of supply line, all connected and racked and stacked in the bed of the truck so it comes out easily and quickly when needed.  2-150 foot pre-connected attack lines, and then another 200-400 feet, depending on the truck.

It was about that time in the morning when I discovered sheer firefighting bliss can be dampened by truly horrible circumstances.  We had just about wrapped when we were toned out to a small plane crash near where our morning fire fiesta had been.

Besides the golf course, the subdivision in our district also boasted a small type airport for small type planes.  Apparently this guy missed the runway.  By a half mile or so.  Fresh off our wild morning fire, off we went for round two.  When we arrived on scene we discovered a small fire had been put out by neighbors.  It was still smouldering, so we had to make sure that didn't spread.  And then there were the three bodies jammed in the nose of the craft we had to contend with.  You've heard of FUBAR?  Well, they were BUBAR.  Burnt Up Beyond All Recognition.  They were at the point where teeth were really gonna matter for a positive ID.

"Is this burnt black blob your relative?  Please, take your time."

Seared human flesh. by the way, does not have an appealing odor.  It's rather disgusting as a matter of fact.  Unless, of course, you're a cannibal.

It smells like sweet meat, like your steak had been grazing on Fruity Pebbles and cheese cake for most of it's life.  Big G and I went to extricate one of the bodies and the burnt flesh just peeled away on our gloves.  It was like oozing jello underneath.

"I prefer skinless meat.  Fewer calories you know."

Said one Donner to another.

That's when I excused myself to go puke.  I think G did too.  It was sick.  I'd just left known human reality behind.  Some weird threshold had been crossed, life's possibilities all changed. 

I went and rolled some hose.  We let the ambulance guys toss the jello into the body bags.  They were getting paid, we weren't.  We returned to the station, got the vehicles ready for their next romp and hammered down a couple beers.  Then we went to a local park and enjoyed a BBQ and softball game that afternoon for my lovely wife's birthday. And a few more beers.

One weekday afternoon our department was toned out for a school bus on fire.  I flew to station 2 and charged out with engine 81.  Another close compadre, another one of my handful, Big D, was off from Station 1 in their slower and not quite as efficient engine.  Nevertheless, Big D was first on the scene and with the chief at the engineer's panel he went in to the flaming bus with charged line to extinguish the fire and make sure all the kids were out.

I was 2nd engine on scene and since there were no hydrants around the chief made me become the water supply for the first engine.  We made those connections and then, since it happened right on the main highway into town, I was assigned traffic control.

It was a hot summer afternoon, and since the threat had been neutralized I didn't need to have my coat on anymore.  And that's when I realized in my haste to respond I had put my T shirt on backwards.  If I was going to be facing the public I had to right this wrong.  I quickly went behind the truck, took off my turn out coat and then flipped my shirt.  In the process several of the high school girls off the bus gave me a couple cat calls, much to the chagrin of my buddy Big D.  He had initiated a full attack of the fire, solo, inhaled some smoke and had made sure no kids were on the bus.  He was a dirty, grimy, filthy mess and a full blown hero.  I hadn't broke a sweat.

Somewhere along the line in my tenure we got a Soloflex machine for the station.  Soloflex back then was one of those fad of the moment exercise machines.  It used extreme rubber type bands instead of regular weights to supply the tension.  Big D and I started using it, and many times I would take a lunch at the station and work out with him.

Big D had become the first fully paid full time firefighter in our district.  All the districts were slowly moving in that direction as their tax base increased, but I think we sported the first one in the county.  One weekday afternoon, while working out, we were toned out for a brush fire.  While the dispatcher was relaying relevant information, we bounded down the stairs and got 81's engine running.

As soon as the dispatcher finished, we immediately chimed in, "Engine 81 responding.  Two personnel."

Boy did we ever think we were hot shit.  It usually took about five minutes to get to the "Engine 81" responding part.  You know, travel time from home to the station.  That sort of thing.  We responded within seconds.

Once again I was driving, and the location was only a couple miles from the station.  Within a minute we saw some smoke, and then as we hit a straightaway heading straight towards the fire we saw it.  It was about a 1/2  acre of dry grass in flames, hootin and scootin and heading for trees.  And a house.

Big D and I looked at each other and exclaimed, "Holy shit!"  This was a lot bigger than either one of us had been thinking.

It was a week day afternoon.  Most of our firefighters were out of the district at work.  Even Chief was at lunch in town.  CDF was en route, as was Chief, but that thing could very easily have gotten out of hand in a heart beat.

The two lane road we were on T'd another two lane road right in front of the fire.  As luck would have it, there was a hydrant right at that corner.  D and I made a quick plan.  He would attack with an 1-1/2, I would get us hooked up to water and then get on up and give him a hand.  It was just the two of us.

We stopped, placed 81 in pump, Big D bounced and I charged the line.  My buddy D was a big strong boy, he had to be.  He charged right up that flaming hill like he was charging into battle in the days of yore, slaying flames everywhere he turned.

Typically it takes two guys to move and handle a fully charged 1-1/2 inch line.  D was moving like a man possessed.  Besides the standard bright yellow nomex jumpsuit we usually donned for brush fires, I think D put on a cape as well that day.  Or the fur of some dead animal, channeling the spirit of William Wallace.

The homeowner, out with his garden hose, was ecstatic.  The one horse cavalry had arrived!  A garden hose sometimes may seem like a lot of water, that is until you play with a fire hose.  You know, your regular garden hose will wash off your regular driveway in several minutes.  A fully charged 1-1/2 will do it in several seconds.

As Big D was charging into fire glory, I yanked a fifty foot section of supply line off the back of the truck and hooked it to the hydrant.  Then I hooked the other end to the panel.  Then I ran back to the hydrant to charge the supply line, making sure there were no kinks.  This little ballet is usually performed by two firefighters, with one at the hydrant and one at the panel.  But there was only me.  I felt like a Marx Brother, dancing with myself.

When I ran back to the panel, I found it occupied by one of our firefighters, one of our Sheriffs.  He was on Sheriff duty and heard the call.  Dang, if this wasn't an emergency I don't know what was.  He was a more than welcome sight.  Affirming he was on the panel, I skedaddled across the road to give Big D a hand.  About a minute and a half had gone by since we first landed.

With me working the hose behind him, Big D and I had that 1/2 acre doused within a couple more minutes.   There was nothing left but mop up to do when the two CDF crews arrived. Yeah, we were hot, er, stuff. 
 
We also went on quite a few traffic collisions.  Quite a few heart attacks.  Our district included about ten miles of the main state highway into town.  Cars go fast, cars crash.  Big cars versus little cars.  The big car always wins.  Always.  Our district also included a lot of older retirees.  We only had a few field saves with CPR.  Travel time to the station, then travel time to the scene.  If CPR had been started earlier than our arrival, many of those victims might have lived.  So take the time, learn CPR.  You may save someone you love.

Everyone in the department was required to take Advanced first aid.  Then we had a guy with us for a while that was a Paramedic who convinced me to get my EMT.  Besides helping the public, I had a new family. That was another reason why I should advance my first aid skills, he said.  I must admit, it was comforting to know that I could take care of any immediate medical emergency with the family.  Fortunately, I never really had to use the knowledge intimately with them.

Five of us took an EMT class together.  Paid for by the department.  Big G, Big D, the Sequoia and EW.   Coincidentally, there's three of my handful.  EW, while a great guy and really funny, was not really a firefighting kind of guy.  He was a little more like a boy's club social butterfly.

The Sequoia, so named because he was like 6' 8", actually rose in rank to Assistant Chief.  Later on he moved a little further up in the mountains and became chief of the Sierra City Fire Department.  He, unfortunately, died of a heart attack in the line of duty a few years back.  He was a good man and devoted much of his life in these here hills helping others.  He is missed by many.

Big G eventually headed down to the big city in Sacramento to ply his firefighting trade.  He rose in rank, and boy is he ever rank, to Battalion Chief before retiring a couple years ago after some twenty years of service..

But before he did, we showed off a little in front of some new recruits.  This was the annual training where the training officers threw a smoke grenade or two in one of the truck bays.  Everyone had to don a SCBA and get through the smoke to the other side.  A hose was wound around and through.  The idea was to follow the hose, because in a real fire that's going to eventually lead you out and back to the truck.  Your ticket out if you can't see.  As long as you're going the right way.  But since you're usually at the nozzle, it's a pretty safe bet which way to go.

So G and I were standing in line, waiting our turn.  Some of the recruits were nervous, but we assured them it was a piece of cake.  Hell, we said, we would even trade turnouts inside just to show them it was a piece of cake.  No big deal.

They said no way.

We'd been challenged.

It really wasn't a big deal, but it kinda was.  I mean, you've got your nomex pants held up by suspenders  over your steel-toed boots.  Then there's your coat, with four or five heavy duty latches.  Then you toss the air tank over your shoulders and tighten the straps across your waist.  The you put your hood on.  The mask goes on over your head and then the hose gets connected to the regulator.  Then you put on your helmet and you're ready for business.

Once inside and before we got to the end of the line, we stopped.  Visibility was poor, like two inches, but it was good enough.  We basically reversed the process, making sure we had one mask always available to buddy breathe through.  It probably would have been easier if we weren't laughing so hard, what can I say. 

Big D eventually hurt his back in the line of duty and had to leave the fire service.  An entrepreneur, he has tried his hand at several gigs hither and yawn, much like me.  But one thing is certain, once a firefighter, always a firefighter.

A business associate and retired volunteer firefighting Captain said that to me one day.  I must admit, it's true.  I have no compunction about "going in" since I've become a mere civilian.  I've gone in to a couple of crashed vehicles, one in flames, to help get a victim out.  I guess it's an affliction not easy to suppress.

These stories, with certain twists and turns and different names of course, would be just about the same in any other volunteer fire district around here.  Fire is fire.  And humans are humans.  There's many more  stories to be sure, but you get the idea.   Living in the country and trying to maintain a good source of adrenaline.

These hills are littered with old volunteers like me.  Now that a new, paid generation is at the helm, we old guys can take it easy.  But, if the need were to ever arise, so would we.  Rising from the smouldering echoes of our firefighting past like flaming flamingos on the backs of bewildered kangaroos.  We may not have the pitch and stamina we once did, but we can sure as hell sit on a bathroom floor and party down if need be.



Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Lefsa


What the?

Lefsa.

It's a Norwegian pastry type or maybe bread type thing, and it's one of those sweet things that has been traditionally made and enjoyed by many Norwegian families over the Christmas holiday since time Scandinavian immortal.  Every family has some sort of tasty treat they make for the holiday.  You know, Christmas sugar cookies in every shape imaginable decorated with all sorts of colorful chemical stuff, Aunt Marge's Fruit Cake, Fudge, Aunt Betty's Fudge Fruit Cake, Lefsa.  See how easy it fits in?

Mrs. Antonson's Lefsa recipe, which is the only one I have ever known, comes direct from Norway via Ketchikan, Alaska, where my Mother was born to two Norwegian immigrants.  Mrs. Antonsen was a neighbor, apparently, and part of a clan that migrated to that particular spot in America from the home country. 

The only recipes I have seen for Lefsa use potato as an ingredient.  As a matter of fact, I have seen a gazillion recipes for potato Lefsa(e).  I have even sampled a few here and there.  But in my opinion, nothing compares with Mrs. Antonson's Lefsa.  This recipe is something completely different and absolutely fabulous. It is for this reason that I will be keeping some of the ingredients and the amounts thereof under cover.  I may have plans to take the old country by storm with my own brand of Lefsa madness, one of these days.  Maybe.  Besides, you don't have the rolling pin nor the fortitude to make the forthcoming mess.  Trust me.

It takes a while to make, and it is not for the challenged chef.  You’ll also get a good workout in during the rolling procedure.  If done correctly, your shoulders and forearms should ache when you’re finished.  You really almost have to have some Norwegian blood in you to deal with all the hoopla involved. 

It’s been a Christmas holiday tradition in our family since forever and I’ve only missed a couple years of making it since I took over the reins from my Mother in the mid-1970’s.  As a matter of fact, back in the late 1970’s, when my older brother and I still drank, we’d spend a Saturday in early December destroying someone’s kitchen.  Usually mine. 

We’d start about eight in the morning, both with the recipe and beer.  We’d usually 8x the recipe too, ensuring we’d have fun for hours and Lefsa for days.  By the time we were done, (including whacking a few dough balls with a tennis racquet one memorable year) we pretty much needed a fire hose to clean up the mess.  That's usually why my lovely wife would go shopping all day when we made it.

You’ll need a big work place too.  You’ll be ultimately rolling oval sheets of dough to potentially 10”x18”.  You’ll need a large, flat, floured surface and a pancake griddle to cook the sheet for a couple minutes once rolled.  Then you’ll need a place to stack the sheets of Lefsa once they’re cooked. 

You’ll also need a rolling pin, the bigger the better.  I actually have a Lefsa rolling pin that was my Grandmothers.  It's older than me.  It is solid wood, 17” wide, and has an indented grid pattern all round.  The pattern will add character to your finished product, however, it is not necessary to actually accomplish the end result.  However, if you don't make your Lefsa with the grid pattern people will know you aren't Norwegian.  

Making Lefsa is a good two-person project.  One person can start to roll dough balls into a flat sheet, the other can take it from there to really roll it thin.  Then one can start throwing dough balls at the other.  Then the other one can shake up an unopened beer and saturate the other.  Are you getting the picture here? 
Total kitchen chaos.  But when you are ultimately finished, you will have a soft, flat, velvety dough or bread enfolding a luscious, creamy cinnamon-sugar butter.  It literally melts in your mouth!  But it is a lot of work, especially with a helper.  The kitchen will be destroyed and you'll probably end up really wet and very sticky.  With flour in your hair.  Not a flower.  Maybe you should just go to the movies instead.

However, if you decide to give it a go, here we go!

First you mix together sugar, corn syrup, evaporated milk and another secret ingredient.  Once blended you add a couple cups of flour that's been infused with some other secret ingredients.


Once that is blended, then you begin to add ½ -1 cup of flour at a time, kneading with your hands to finally make a semi-hard, rubbery dough.   It is generally a pretty sticky situation and one that does not lend itself to taking photographs easily.  Cleanly either.


Then make a ball of dough, somewhere between the size of a golf ball and a tennis ball.  Roll it until it’s firm in your hands, then put on floured surface and begin to roll flat with your rolling pin.  Flip and roll, adding flour as necessary so it does not stick.  You want this sheet as thin as you can get it.  1/8”?  1/16”? 1/32”?  I mean THIN!!  If there ever was a complaint from my Mother or my late Uncle Andy it was because the sheet wasn’t thin enough.  I cannot stress this enough, ok??  Thin!  Work those shoulders thin.  It should finally become an avant-garde or imperfect oval shape of around 10-12” wide by 14-16” long. 


You'll notice the rolling pin was floured before using.  This is very important if you have a rolling pin with a grid pattern.  Otherwise you could spend the better part of the next year trying to get it clean.  Trust me on this.  This dough is really, really sticky.  You'll have to continually add flour to your rolling surface too.  This is why it gets so messy...flour somehow ends up everywhere!

Once you think you have your sheet thin enough, roll it again, paying special attention to the edges, which seem to grow (sometimes).  Then it's time to cook it on one side.  The sheet of Lefsa at this stage is quite flimsy, especially if you got it thin enough.  I use two items to lift it and get it over to the griddle.  Two spatulas will do, however I'm snooty and use a Lefsa stick for half my lift.  Get both underneath the sheet, elevate and then gently lay onto your 350 degree griddle.  The sheet of Lefsa doesn't always fall clean, so then you must massage and finesse the edges so the sheet lays flat on the griddle.

Cook ONE SIDE ONLY, about 2-4 minutes, until lightly browned.  Little bubbles will appear on the top

and the bottom should look like this:


The sheet is a lot more sturdy at this point, you can take off the griddle with your hands or feet and start stacking!  The sides may curl a little, this is normal.  Once cooled, this thin sheet will become hard and can be brittle.  Handle with care.  At this stage, it’ll last forever, or at least a year.  Whichever is longer.

Now, let's complete this masterpiece.  But first, let's clean the kitchen.  This could take the rest of the day, depending on how much beer you drank.  Once the kitchen is cleaned, it'll probably be time for a nap.  Maybe you should wait to butter it until the next day.

Fortunately, now that the pastry is done, it can sit as is until you want to "butter" it up. We always used to  “wing” the butter, which could be extremely time consuming adding this and that, tasting, then adding a little more.  Of this or that.  By the time you think you got it perfect your taste buds have gone south from the cinnamon, butter and beer and you’re no where close.  So you start over again, at least with another beer to wash all that sweet taste out of your mouth.

My darling daughter and I finally concocted a cinnamon sugar butter recipe with some very measured and concise taste tests.  This recipe received my Mother’s approval before she died, and since she was the only remaining family Lefsa scion, that was the only vote that really mattered.  Unfortunately, by the time we got around to writing it down Uncle Andy had passed on.   Basically you combine the three in measured amounts and whip in your Kitchenaid for a while.  Until whipped and frothy.

Then the fun begins.  Get a few hand towels or bath towels, whatever, and place one down on your work area. Take a sheet of Lefsa and moisten the COOKED SIDE ONLY.   Just place it under your kitchen faucet and allow warm running water to cover the entire cooked surface.  Moisten every square inch!  Then place it on a towel and cover with another towel.   


Moisten another sheet and so on.  The butter recipe I use will cover 8-9 sheets, so that is what I'll usually moisten.  Then let them sit for 10-15 minutes and allow the Lefsa to soften.  Sometimes if the sheets are a few months old you might have to re-moisten. 

Take a now soft sheet of Lefsa and place it cooked side up on a cutting board.  Butter ½ the sheet, then fold the unbuttered half over the top of the buttered half.  You now have made a sandwich.  Or a burrito.


Remember this is imperfect.  You will have spots here and there on the edges that are open and uncovered.  Take a knife and trim the edges so they’re clean.  Put these on one plate. 

Once the edges are clean (and remember, don’t worry about the shape) then you can slice up pieces of Lefsa from what’s remaining.  You should be able to come up with 6 to 8 clean pieces per sheet, about the size of a basic cookie, only with 3,4,5 or 6-sided shapes.  Doesn’t matter. 

When my mom did this, the clean edge pieces were used as gifts and for the holiday occasion.  We were told, under no uncertain terms, HANDS OFF!  However, the cut-off edges were open hunting and were usually gobbled up before they hit the plate.  Our entire family, including cousins, and my dear Uncle Andy always remember the edges as the best part.  I am also incredibly happy to say this tradition has now been passed on.  This year as I cut the Lefsa both children and grandchildren hovered.  Those scraps never had a chance. 

All right, that’s it.  If you got this far (without actual ingredients) I hope you enjoy this tasty treat as much as our family has for decades.  If not, I hope you enjoy Aunt Betty's Fudge Fruit Cake, or whatever the tasty treat is that has graced your family for the holidays.  Hope your Christmas was Merry.  Happy New Year.