I'm Lactard and I'm Proud

I was going to close my last post with this little tidbit, and then I was gonna open with it.  And then it grew into its very own post. 

But I think it's really important because I believe at least one of you, if not more, might be lactose intolerant.  And if I can rescue another lactose intolerant individual, then an apparent gastronomic intestinal mission might be fulfilled.  

I am a lactard, my darling daughter's affectionate term for my dietary predicament, which is that I am lactose intolerant.  Most dairy does not sit well with me, at all.  And I think, especially looking at the antacid section in any pharmacy or store, that a lot more people are but they just don't know it. 

I was probably lactose intolerant for a good five years before I became lactose aware.  I sort of grew into it I guess.  I used to always have a pack of Rolaids with me, in addition to the ever present chap stick and pocket knife.  And then one day, while working one of the way too many home and garden shows I did for a while, a friend and co-worker mentioned that I should eat some yogurt or something.  He said that I shouldn't have to be eating Rolaids all the time and that I needed some good culture in my gut down there.  

I certainly couldn't argue with that.

When I got home I bought a couple yogurts.  You know, good culture!  Half way through the first one my stomach went south, and a light went on up north.  And then began a fairly huge diet change which took several months.  A lot of trial and error and a lot of label reading.

Just what is lactose intolerance?  In simple terms,

It is an inability to digest lactose, a type of sugar in milk.

Very common (More than 3 million cases per year in US)

Diagnosis rarely requires lab test or imaging

Can often be self-treated

Can last several years or be lifelong

It can be caused due to a genetic problem or an underlying condition. Abdominal pain, bloating, flatulence, and diarrhea are the common symptoms. There is no cure except to maintain a lactose-free diet.

I wasn't always a lactard.  I was more like a ice cream junkie.  So, obviously lactose intolerance can develop over time.  In case you were wondering.

How did lactose intolerance present for me?  Mostly a burning, acidy stomach, like you just ate a half dozen habaneros.   And diarrhea, in many cases.

The burning doesn't make sense, right?  It will feel like you just ate Mexican, with a lot of salsa.  You'd expect a milkshake would soothingly coat your stomach against the burning fire inside.  Not so if lactose intolerant.  It's like pouring gas on that fire.

I used to take my coffee loaded, with cream and sugar.  Followed by a Rolaids an hour later.  My intestines were going south right out of the gate, every dang day.

I have adapted to a mostly non-dairy diet, and it's not really a big deal.  I can tolerate butter just fine, which is good because I won't put margarine in my body.  And I love me some butter.  But cheese is bad.  And cream is really bad.
  

I do pizza without cheese, it's fine.  And I've pretty much omitted all the creamy and cheesy dishes that exist, much to the chagrin of my lovely wife.

You learn to adapt.  And since I like to cook and bake I have come up with a number of solutions that I will share with you.  And a number of commercial providers, like Ben and Jerry's, have gotten on the lactard bandwagon.

Also, a cheesemaker called "Finlandia" makes "naturally lactose free" Gouda, Swiss, Muenster and a couple others.  You can find that at Raley's and sometimes Grocery Outlet if you live locally.  When I discovered them a year or so ago that brought back grilled ham and cheese sandwiches to my life, which I apparently did miss and had not eaten for about twelve years.

I use lactose free milk exclusively.  I'm not a big fan of almond, flax or other vegetable or fruit milks.  None of them cook or bake as well as your basic lactose free milk does.  And it lasts weeks longer in your fridge than regular milk does.  My lovely wife can taste a difference, I can't.  Probably because I won't try the real stuff at all anymore.

And I discovered a few years back that you can substitute soft silk tofu equally for whip cream in most cream pie recipes.  And they are now making a lactose free cream cheese.  The flavor is a bit lacking though, so you need to add a little more sugar if you bake with the cream cheese.
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There is also an enzyme that can break down lactose, which you can find at any health food store or pharmacy.  So if you make a mistake, or just have to have that quesadilla or latté, you're covered.  

So one evening a while back I was having dinner with my son.  We were eating a great gumbo at the Elks Club, where we both had mutual friends that are members.  The gumbo roux was phenomenal, and I was certain there had to be cream in it, because it was so phenomenal.  If so, no big deal.  I had lactose tablets in the car.  (One item I do not travel without.  Pretty much anywhere.)

And that got my son and I gut talking.  When he described what was going on in his gut, acid and Rolaids,  I said it sounded like lactose intolerance.  And he didn't believe it.  For some reason, how lactose intolerance presents is incongruous with the term dairy.  Go figure.  He started toying with his diet and sure enough, he is now a confirmed lactard too.

Which means I now have an ally for cheese free lasagna, and maybe eventually Mom's amazing clam chip dip.  Actually, because her grandson is now a lactard we rated this Thanksgiving and Mom made two dips.  We had our own (smaller) bowl of her famous clam dip, lactose-free .  Hadn't had that in fifteen years or so, it was great!

Yeah, I have to admit, there are some things you have to do without.  Many times I can't have dessert at a restaurant because they're all cream based.  And even though the lactase tablets help, it can still be a bother.  Also, the degree of dairy effects vary from lactard to lactard..   

So, if you are constantly eating antacid tablets, or that lethal purple pill, or you know someone who does, it's really really easy to verify if dairy is the culprit.  Eat some dairy.  You'll usually feel the effects within minutes.

Then don't eat diary. See what happens.  Pretty simple.

And if you are, it's not a death sentence.  But I would get some lactase tablets right away. That way as you adapt your diet you have a bottle of mistake pills.

Good luck.

Oh, and by the way, you'll probably drop an easy ten pounds.  That's one of the side benefits of no more mac and cheese.

The old homestead is rolling along.  I've got all our winter wood put up, and oh hey, a new wood stove to burn it in!  Our old blue enameled Vermont Castings, while a heritage item, was over thirty years old.  And double door'd.  And I'd had been having trouble getting the doors to seal properly. And I could never get it to dampen down really good so I could get a log to burn all night.  And so on.  And so forth.

We bought our new stove from A-1 Stoves here locally, and it is entirely more efficient.  Plus the black color matches the red, white and black of the brick hearth surrounding.  The old royal blue enamel never fit in.

We were going to buy from the highly locally rated Sierra Timberline.  But the price went from $3,500 when we talked to the guy at the fair to over $5,100 when we talked to the same guy about the same stove a week later at their store.  And that included the fair discount.

So we went to A-1 and spent under three grand for a fabulous Iron Strike wood stove.  And the no pressure sales guy also informed us we could probably sell our old stove, which we did for $750.00.  So you probably know who we're gonna recommend.  Plus follow-up and install were top notch.  They've already been five star Yelped!

If you've been watching the Dow, like I have, you may be coming to the conclusion that there's something happening out there.  Those that stayed in the market have seen their portfolios drop 10-20% over the last few weeks. And, if you believe like I do that another real estate crash is coming, there are a couple paper plays you can make.  But by no means should this ever be considered investment advice, cause I'm not an investment guy.  I'm simply sharing a few of the moves that I be making.

These are similar to what the guy did in the movie "The Big Short", only you'll be doing it probably in a lot smaller way.  BUT, it does give the little guy a chance to place a bet on the market.

Here they are:

SRS-ProShares UltraShort Real Estate
REK-ProShares Short Real Estate
DRV-Direxion Daily MSCI Real Est Bear 3X ETF

We have an interest in all three.

It is now a little after 5 Am PST.  I am going under the arthroscopic knife for my shoulder with my new surgeon in about six hours.

Bon Appetit!