I've decided I'm forming a club. If y'all want to join me you're in. There's no membership fees. No dues. There's no silly hazing requirements, like standing on your head and eating a plate of spaghetti. Or drinking a bathtub full of beer.
There's no dress code, so you can wear whatever you want. There's no drug testing either. So fire one up and read on.
The only requirement of membership is your desire to see the roads and highways of America safer. That's it. To that end though I am a bit of a stickler to not necessarily rules but to plain old common sense!
I get to make up the grading system because I have a little bit of experience having pulled a few dead bodies out of cars. Back in another life I was a firefighter for a few years at a couple different locations in California. A state highway ran through both locations, so besides the ever fun loving fully involved structure fires I also got to experience the not so fun aforementioned activities.
BTW, one absolute law of vehicle collisions I have learned is that if it is a big vehicle versus a little vehicle the big one always wins. Always.
This last September my lovely wife and I were on the road, like every single weekend. We had a lot of stuff going on and there was a lot of time whisking by on the highway. But even prior to this I had taken a shine to grading drivers who had pulled over to the side of the road. For whatever reason; engine trouble, flat tire, bathroom break, sex.
The primary grade is given for how far off the highway they have actually gone. And if they could have gone further. Cause the further away from vehicles zipping along at 65 MPH the safer they'll be. Higher grades are given for the further distance, lesser for the closer they are to the highway.
This is not to be taken lightly. There was a Nevada County knucklehead a number of years back that got a flat tire on the driver's side of his van. He immediately pulled over on the state highway during the very busy morning commute.
The problem was, there was a steep up slope on the side of the road and there wasn't really any shoulder at all. The left tires of his vehicle were actually on the right white line of the lane. Which of course would mean that in order to change the tire his body would actually be in the highway.
He didn't last long. I don't think he got a lug nut off.
He of course would get an "F". There was a steep up slope where he stopped so he actually did pull as far over as he could have. There. But if he limped forward about two hundred yards he would have had a turn out about the size of Bolivia to change the tire.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, he might have damaged the tire a bit more had he continued forward. So? He certainly won't have to make that decision again.
I have collected a number of cars on the shoulder photos which I am going to display, grade and then tell you why. OK? (You have to say OK if you want to be in the club. I think this might be the only requirement.)
This car gets a "B". He's about as far off the shoulder he can get there, BUT, it looks like the turn out might fan wider towards where the shot was taken. This car should be back there.
This blonde, while pretty, maybe, deserves to have her legs shorn off by the next vehicle that passes by. She's got a lot more room on the grass. "F"
"F". Puhleese. Look at that football field to his side.
"A". This person is even over the outer boundary line of the turn out.
"C" The door opens onto the highway, but considering the problem she did the best she could. I'd still probably keep that door closed.
The only reason this car should be here is if it doesn't run. And even so he should be over kissing that guard rail. "D".
This cop, while probably trolling for speeders, gets an "A" for position. Any car pulling over here should be right on the edge of that grass just like he is.
"A" Nice placement, slow road.
The white car gets an "A". He's definitely off the highway a good distance, and that brings up another point. Don't pull so far off the highway that it's going to take a tow truck to get you back on. (Cop gets an "F". Hell, he's already been ht!)
This van gets a "B+". He's still got a little room over there.
This van gets a "B". It's a lousy place to pull over, and that's why he doesn't get an "A". But he's up there kissing the guard rail, doing everything he can.
Look at that row of cars. FFFFFFFFFFFFF. Look at the turn out where the photo was taken. That's where I'm parking.
Folks do that up here in the summer accessing the Yuba River. They all get tickets.
"A" Can't get much further off the road than that. Plus this guy is really prepared.
Anyway, I think you get the idea on the safe pulling over aspect of the club.
Now that I think about it, maybe there's two more rules to be a club member. The Safety Rangers ALWAYS use their turn signals, even if a squirrel in a tree is the only living thing that sees. And we always turn it on in ADVANCE of our turn because it only makes sense. Those individuals that turn on their signal as they are turning are either an asshole or an idiot.
The asshole part is easy to understand. The idiot part maybe not so much because, well, they're idiots. But if they gave it half a thought, anyone following would already KNOW they are turning by the actions of the car. They didn't need to know AFTER the idiot dropped them from 50 to 20 MPH and started their turn, they needed to know BEFORE all that stuff happened.
And Safety Rangers don't tailgate. Unless, of course, the proverbial asshole or idiot pulls out, cuts you off and drops you from 50 to 20 and then only speeds up to 30. Tailgating IS allowed for a mile or so to get your point across, as is any form of vernacular that might erupt from your mouth.
But then we let Zen and safety win.
However, if they giddy-up and go a safety ranger will usually forgive and forget with only a few minor eruptions.
That's it folks. Be safe. Be polite. Welcome to the club.
